Today, instead of interviewing our usual Aussie Transformers Fan, we will be interviewing an international one, and someone who could be considered the quintessential expert on all things toys. Today we are in fact interviewing the Jolly Fat Man himself, Santa Claus.
B.A.Trev: Santa, thanks for joining us for this interview. I appreciate this is a very busy time of year for you.
Santa: Ho ho, no problem Trevor. I’m a big big fan, love your work.
B.A.Trev: Glad to hear it. And thank you for being so generous over the years.
Santa: Oh ho ho, you’ve always been such a good boy!
B.A.Trev: Now, are you aware how these interviews work?
Santa: Oh yes, I read everything on your fantastic site so I’ve seen all the previous interviews. Have at it!
B.A.Trev: Ok, here we go:
QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU
Real name or what friends call you?
Saint Nick, but my friends call me ‘Joe’
Country you live in?
I actually live on constantly converging and shifting sea ice in the middle of the Arctic Ocean. Makes getting the mail a real headache.
Your occupation?
Anthromorphic Personification of Yuletide cheer and commercialism
Your dream job?
Surfer
Your age?
I stopped counting after 300, it got depressing.
Single/married/kids?
Got a missus. There are lots of children-sized elves that work for me but they are NOT my kids, no matter what that lying bitch Debbie in accounts says!
What other (non-toy) interests do you have?
(sighs) Keeping warm
What type of music/movies/TV/books do you enjoy?
I’m a big fan of Die Hard. A great Christmas movie and book!
TRANSFORMER QUESTIONS
Transformers Allegiance, if you had one?
Ho ho, an Autobot of course!
Your Techspec motto if you had one?
‘Whatever happened to wooden trains?’
What existing, official Transformers character best describes you?
Astrotrain, he can carry a huge amount and fly around the entire planet in one night!
Which special ability of any Transformers character would you want to have for yourself?
Skywarp’s teleportation, then I’d never have to go down another damn chimney again!
Do you think you will collect Transformers until you die?
(looks morose and resigned) Other people get to die, I just have to go on… and on…. and on. Never do I get to feel the sweet kiss of eternal slumber.
Have you attended any fan-meets, Fairs, Conventions?
Well, I attend a lot of shopping malls I guess.
Any creative endeavours with Transformers (drawing, writing, customising, etc)?
I outsource all that these days.
Favourite series/era/year, and why?
Beast Wars – all the kids in that era wanted were pointed sticks and to not get eaten by robotic insects.
Least favourite series/era/year, and why?
Cyberverse – where is the craftsmanship? I’d fire an elf on the spot if he designed that Warrior Megatron figure.
Collect any comics (which ones)?
Do you know what snow does to paper?!
Favourite Comic issue/story, and why?
The IDW Holiday Special is a wonderful! The Dreadwind one where he is visited by ghosts is very good as well.
Favourite Cartoon episode/story, and why?
Definitely Transformers Animated: Human Error I & II. The one where Gears becomes all jolly is a favorite from years gone by.
Favourite Video/Board game and why?
Transformers: The Robot Warrior Game. No electronics to soldier.
Favourite Character, and why?
Tracks. He is a flying car – no rule that says ground vehicles shouldn’t fly, it’s very believable.
Sexiest Transformers (robot) Character?
Toys are NOT sexy! They are to delight youngsters and encourage play and creativity…
… I do have an Elita-1 Mousepad though.
Which Transformers character would you want to exist for real?
Tidal Wave – big enough to house my manufacturing plant and he won’t sink every time the ice moves. (looks exasperated) Honestly, why did I choose to live there – it makes no sense!
First Transformers toy?
I remember making a little wooden man who when you folded him backwards would look like a horse. I thought it was a real winner until Ms Claus pointed out that the mans (expletive deleted) became the horses tail. What’s wrong with it being anatomically correct I say? You have dolls that (expletive deleted) and (expletive deleted) themselves for the kids to clean up for (expletive deleted)s sake!
Worst toy(s) ever in your opinion?
Atari Jaguar – do you know how long it took to make the controllers for that thing? 3 elves died of exhaustion and then no one played with the finished product anyway!
Toy(s) that were most disappointing when you got them?
An elf once presented me with a snow globe with a figure of me inside. Yeah, that’s what I want, to be in more (expletive deleted) ing snow! I kicked his little (expletive deleted) so hard he was (expletive deleted)ing blood for a week!
Thoughts on gimmick and non-convertable Transformers toys?
Non-convertible Transformers are great! Take zero time and effort to build.
Thoughts on unlicensed fan-project figures/accessories?
Wannabe toymaker hacks – the lot of’em!
Thoughts on Crossover Transformer toys (Star Wars, Street Fighter etc)?
I always thought some Yuletide ones were in order, maybe a sleigh that turns into a jolly figure in a red suit? Would be a real winner!
Thoughts on the Transformers Brand over the last five years?
They seem to get more simplistic as the years progress which is less work for me I guess. Takes an elf about 5 minutes max to put together a Cyberverse toy.
Which single TFs toy should every fan own?
Optimus Prime – he is big red and his trailer is magic!
Which Transformers toy/product would you give as a wedding present?
Don’t I give enough presents already?!
B.A.Trev: Many thanks for answering those questions. Do you have time to answer a few questions sent in from fans?
Santa: Ho ho, of course Trev, anything for all the little boys and girls out there.
Questions from Fans:
From Michael
Hey there Santa. Pretty sure I asked for a G1 OP circa 1984/85. Any reason you didn’t deliver?
(Just so there’s no lingering ill-feeling, would be happy to accept one this year. MISB if you please).
Because you were on the naughty list then and you are still on the naughty list now! I’ve seen the Facebook clips where you demolish perfectly good toys in order to ‘make them better’. How do you think that makes me feel!? My craftsmanship isn’t good enough for you – you need to turn a perfectly good Transformer into a MOTU figure!? Screw you Michael – if I see you you’ll be getting a lump of coal shoved straight up your ass!
From Trent
So Santa, there is only one of you. And obviously there is a limit to whatever black magic you tap into to fly around the World in one night. This is most evident in the fact that no 2 Santas are the same when it comes to Christmas photos. So how do you explain it? My parents tried saying that they are your elves dressed up but we both know that’s false. Your elves are far too short to impersonate you. How do you justify holding kids to the high standard required to get presents year after year when you yourself lie and send impersonators, impostors even, in your stead? Do you see the hypocrisy here Santa? What does Mrs Clause think?
It’s called outsourcing – just be thankful all my Santa’s aren’t some call-centre rejects from the 3rd world. And I’m trying to grow a franchise here, people pay me to dress as me and give me a cut of their earnings, then they recruit 10 more people to dress as me and they get a cut of their earnings and so on. It’s called an ‘iceberg scheme’ and everyone wins!
As to what Mrs Claus thinks, just leave that alone. The day I came home to find her in bed with 3 Santa Impersonators and she swore that she thought I had just used some Xmas magic to clone myself in order to really give her stocking a good stuffing – it still haunts me to this day! I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.
Also, my next question; Why only the Christian world? What you got against everyone else you fascist?
They believe in me, they get a gift. They don‘t believe in me then they don’t. I live off the belief and worship of others and in return they get crass consumer products. It’s not fascism, its commercialism – where have you been?!
Santa: I thought you said these questions were from fans?
B.A.Trev: Er… yes. But I think some of them are more my fans than yours.
Santa: Grumble, fine let’s just get the rest over with.
From Jason
My question, I was always the good child growing up and my brother the naughty one yet he was younger and always got more presents than me. Wtf?
There is a thing called ‘The Hitler Gene’. It’s very diffuse now to the point that even when both parents have it, it doesn’t guarantee that all their kids will. You have it, he doesn’t. How do you think people would react if I was heaping extra presents on the opffspring of the great great, great nephew of the 15th cousin thrice removed of the world’s greatest monster (not counting the guy that came up with Kiss Players)? Don’t blame me – blame Uncle Adolf!
From Lisamaree
Santa, so.. lugging all those toys around… how do you manage the storage of the pressies and where do they hide on the sleigh? Is it like Optimus Prime‘s magically disappearing trailer? And if so did he show you the trick or did you show him?
Indeed I do use a subspace fold in order to increase the storage capacity of the sleigh. I have to admit, I learned it from him. I might be centuries old but he has a few megaannum on me.
From Paul
Do you deliver presents to good protoforms on Cybertron too? Or do you delegate to a Cybertronian (and if so who?)?
I have a couple of reps on Cybertron who handle things up there on my behalf
Megatron was responsible for billions of deaths but has turned over a new leaf abroad the Lost Light. Has he done enough to deserve a present this year or will he get coal again? (Of course he could turn that coal to Energon so maybe that’s not a bad gift for a Transformer)
Well I have to handle things year by year. I can’t not give little Timmy a present this year because of naughty things he did the year before. So yes, Megatron will be getting a present…
… an old copy of ‘Interstellar Travel Guide to Pleasant Planets’. Of course most of the planets in it have been destroyed because of his war, but it can’t be helped if my gift reminds him of all the death and destruction he caused can it?
From Mayza
Movie Optimus has been executing Cons, will he be getting a lump of coal?
Those Cons were killing humans. Less humans means less belief to power me. Have at them I say Optimus! It’s ‘Peace on Earth, Goodwill towards Men’ not ‘bots’.
Also Santa, what are your thoughts on Michael Bay, will he also be getting a lump of coal?
I think all the reviews of the new Bumblebee movie, when compared to the reviews of The Last Knight, will be punishment enough this season.
From Dallas
After giving so many of us coal for so many years, do you regret that now, given you could have been giving us solar cells or something similar?
People were supposed to stick those lumps of coal under a heap of heavy books for a few hundred years so their descendants could have diamonds – not my fault if people burned perfectly good gifts!
Also, my kids said they’d like the first issues of Whatever IDW are going to produce next for Transformers, I told them it was a long shot since it’s not available yet, but they insisted.
I’ll have a chat with Vector Prime and see if something can be worked out.
B.A.Trev: Well Santa, thanks so much for taking the time to answer all these questions today.
Santa: Ho ho, my pleasure, Merry Christmas to all!
(sotto voce as he walks out) except for that Trent guy, now there is someone who is going to feel the sharpened end of a candy cane shoved right up his stocking!
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