Today we have another question from Shannon in Pendle Hill:
‘When you have a Vicks VapoDrop lozenge, where does the mucus in your nose go? It just disappears!’
Seems so innocent and helpful…
Well Shannon I must say, in this day and age of Pandemics, its nice to see someone still thinking about the common cold.
Before we continue, I must state right now DO NOT USE THOSE DROPS! EVER!
Now let me tell you why….
In the era of information gathering, everyone is worried about it happening online. Social Media outlets monitoring your posts to find out about your work and family. Search Engines watching what you look for so they can target advertising right at your weaknesses. Beware the Cookies!
But forget online – it doesn’t matter. It’s the bastion of nerds, stalkers and of course the incredibly intelligent, good looking people who read this blog. No, you need to worry about what is happening in reality, and what one company is after – your genetic template.
‘We are coming for your goo’
That’s right, Vicks isn’t interested in curing your cold! They are however interested in your mucus. Because if they get your mucus they get your DNA. And if they have your DNA, then they can clone you. And if they can clone you, then they can murder you, put their clone in your place and then they have yet another operative out there in society doing their malevolent bidding! You had savings? That money now belongs to the Vicks company. You had a job? Now your clone works there, subtly furthering the Vicks agenda. You had kids? They are now your clone’s kids and being raised in the Vicks ideology.
See this guy? He’s now sticking it to your wife.
Those Vapodrops are not designed to cure your mucus problems. They are to signal the company that there is snot to be harvested! When you suck the pill and it dissolves, a tiny radioactive marker is released. You don’t notice it as you are sick and already feel like shit anyway. That radioactive marker is then picked up on by one of the multitude of Vicks controlled satellites orbiting the earth and your location immediately relayed to the nearest infiltration team. Then, as you sleep, the team silently enters your home and, using a mini turkey-baster, sucks all of the mucus out of your nose. Then they hightail it with a vial-full of your precious DNA. This is happening in thousands of homes across the world each night!
Shit – they’ve gone international!
So Shannon, that is where your mucus goes when you pop a Vicks Vapodrop lollie. It goes to a secret underground bunker where scientists analyse it and begin preparations to make a Shannon-clone, soon to become one of the ever-growing army of snot-spawned operatives that each day bring us towards a total Vicks-controlled populace and the annihilation of society as we know it!
Shaped just like a lozenge – no coincidence
So next time mate, do us all a favour and just use a hanky eh 😉
Once again, we have a question from a long time reader – Madds in Melbourne.
When the polar ice caps melt, and release an apocalyptic gas cloud from the arctic tundra / or when Trumples and Kimbo wage nuclear Armageddon what is your post apocalyptic action plan?
Like when planning against the Zombie Apocalypse, I live on a remote farm (not the same one) that is well inland hours away from the ocean. Even with the ice caps melting the seas will not rise enough to cross the Blue Mountains to reach our local and since we are now much further north, the apocalyptic gas cloud should only affect the more southern part of this continent, thereby rendering us relatively safe from this eventuality.
However when Trumples and Kimbo wage Nuclear Armageddon is another matter.
‘Radiation Burns? Na na, it’s just an STD I swear!’
They’ve been having recent chats but I am not hopeful. Kimbo is likely to turn around and launch a missile on a whim and, given how rude he was recently to the Queen of England, Trumples is antagonistic enough that if he doesn’t start a Nuclear War with North Korea, he is going to eventually start a war with someone.
So what is my action plan then?
Well as I said we are well situated. About half way between Sydney and Canberra we lie outside any blast zones or radiation fallout areas. Whilst millions in the region will die, we will be fine.
We will look to our sustainability first off. We have rainwater tanks as well as our own creek with a water purification system, so will maintain a reserve of clean water well after others have run out. We have a solar panels and a diesel generator, so as long as the sun shines and we can scavenge fuel for a while we will have power. We have goats, chooks and ducks so we will have access to eggs and meat on top of having fruit & nut trees and vegetable & herb gardens for sustenance. We will be OK. Worst comes to worst there are enough Kangaroos on our land to eat heartily for decades!
Which puts us in a position of power!
Like in the old world, in the new world order power will be paramount. But now as a permacultralist who has fresh food, water and also electricity, we will have the power! We will lord it over all the bankers, lawyers and politicians who currently earn 20 times more than I do. And they will come begging.
Eating hearty while they all die of radiation poisoning – not that I’m smug about it or anything
I will strengthen the fences of our farm and patrol our lands. Anyone looking for fresh food and water need to be able to negotiate for entry. Either with resources of their own in tow, or useful skills such as medicine or mechanical repairs will be required to join us. As our numbers grow, we will attract more people with a wider diversity of skills. Carpenters, midwives, butchers, bakers, candlestick makers – all will wish to join my our community and soon a working village will establish itself, with folks able to support each other with goods and services, even after all resources able to be scavenged from beyond our borders have been depleted.
But what of those that wish to undermine the new order?
Tracking the spoor of an intruder
Easily fixed. All newcomers to our community, once properly vetted, will be branded with a hot iron on the back of their left shoulder blade with a mark resembling my benevolent visage and a hand giving the thumbs up underneath. Any pretending to be part of our community who are not will be fed to the pigs – human flesh being of considerable dietary benefit to the porkers. This ensures security and loyalty amongst my flock.
But what of raiders?
Whereas with the Zombie Apocalpse, where zombies will be the biggest worry regarding transgressors, it will be Mad Max-like bands of marauders roaming the land that will be of major concern. These groups will have regressed back to the ‘might-makes-right’ mindset, with the biggest, burliest and nastiest forming gangs around themselves. Though a mixture of violence and fear they will control their followers and scour the land, refusing to create but rather steal the toil of others. Their main goals beyond destruction? Obtaining fuel, food and women.
Luckily we also will be prepared for this. Even man in my new order will be trained in marksmanship with a scoped rifle, able to knock the gnat off a rabbits dick from 500 yards. All womenfolk will be trained extensively in hand-to-hand combat, as well as the proficient use handheld weapons – particularly knives.
Not only does this empower women within my new world order community to know that on a one-to-one basis they can beat the living crap out of or even kill any man who tries to get overly fresh with them, it will surprise the hell out of raiders!
Imagine a scavenging road gang, having breached our gates, coming into the main compound ready for combat. Now any man they would see they would immediately kill on the spot. Not women. Women is what they are after. They see a few dozen apparently unguarded ladies with smiling and somewhat lascivious smiles on the faces. These raiders will think they have reached the promised land!
Leading by example, I will of course also offer myself as irresistible bait
Of course, as they dismount from their motorcycles and dune buggies and approach these fair maidens, hidden snipers from every conceivable angle will take them out. Any left standing will be sliced from scrotum to sternum by the women of our clan, relishing the feeling of spilling the guts of their would-be aggressors onto the soil below. These pricks wont stand a chance!
As the years progress, I will retire slowly from the community, becoming more of a holy figure amongst the people as my offspring continue to command the rabble and expand our territory, annexing new towns and hamlets by the score. By the time some of the radiation from the capital cities has receded, I will be lying on my death bed, surrounded by my loved ones with the palace-like-homestead I inhabit beset by thousands of worshipers crying in lament, me content in the knowledge that I have set humanity upon a path to redemption and that statues in my likeness proclaiming me as the true messiah will stand for generations to come, my will controlling the fate of the human race long after my passing.
‘The Church of Trev’ – as long as ya worship me ya can sin as much as ya friggin like!
Of course, humanity one day will recover enough to bring back the sciences of the past and improve upon them. It is with a satisfied certainty I know that when, in about a thousand years when humanity gets close to destroying itself for a second time, these technologies will be used to revive me to the land of the living to save civilization once again, and thus take my rightful place as overlord of the new age of man, extending my influence to the stars and beyond. I will through inspiration, charisma and my natural musky scent, lead us all to conquer the heavens above and I will live forever as Big Angry Trev the 1st – Grand Space Emperor Supreme! All will love me and despair – or I’ll have their balls chopped off!
