For only the 4th time since World War 1, Labor has ousted the Liberal party in order to claim victory in a Federal Election.
Given Labor’s relative inexperience with winning, it is unsurprising that their victory party was not as polished at it could have been.
For a report on the evenings events, we once again turn to our ace journalist – Pastor Fazool – to report on the story:
Sources have confirmed that the Australian Labor Party’s post-election victory party took an awkward turn on Sunday evening, once it became Member for Maribymong and former Opposition Leader Bill Shorten’s turn to pick the next song on the karaoke machine.
Both the mood and the music had been upbeat until this point, with rousing renditions of iconic victory anthems such as Queen’s “We Are the Champions”, Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration”, and of course a mix of Aussie classics such as “You’re the Voice” and “Working Class Man”, the latter being specially dedicated to Prime Minister-elect Anthony Albanese. Eyebrows were somewhat raised at Kristina Keneally’s choice of “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” given that she had not in fact actually Done It For Herself, instead losing the traditionally-Labor seat of Fowler to Independent challenger Dai Le. However, everyone agreed that Tanya Plibersek and Katy Gallagher’s stirring duet of Tina Turner’s “(Simply the) Best” was extremely uplifting, topped only by Penny Wong’s perfectly pitched (if perhaps slightly ungracious) delivery of Steam’s 1969 one-hit wonder “Na Na Na Na Hey Hey-ey Goodbye”. Hero of the night ‘DJ Albo’ was, naturally, in his element, and a good time was being had by all….
…until, that is, it was Bill’s turn to pick the next song.
While Opposition Leader in 2019, Mr Shorten chose to embark on a ‘big-target’, ‘optimism’-based election campaign, featuring a forward-looking policy platform of ambitious(-ish) action on climate change, massively boosted funding for health and hospitals (which may have come in handy during the massive worldwide plague that was to follow the very next year), and, perhaps most controversially, ever-so-slightly winding back a number of the extremely generous concessions tailored almost-exclusively towards rich property-investor Baby Boomers such as negative gearing and franking credits. This proved to be no match for then-Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s ‘policy-free’ approach of ‘hiding your entire frontbench from the public’, ‘calling the other guy childish nicknames’ and ‘just plain making shit up’, aided and abetted as it was by massive free advertising campaigns from both Clive Palmer’s United Australia Party and the 80% of Australia’s media landscape owned by News Corp, Nine, and Seven Media Holdings. Mr Shorten subsequently lead his team to lose the so-called ‘unlosable election’, with Mr Morrison enjoying a landslide victory of a single-seat lower-House majority. Under Mr Albanese, in contrast, Labor opted for a small-target strategy, and at present count is believed to be on track for a similar landslide as Mr Morrison three years earlier.
It should probably not have come as a surprise, then, when upon being handed the touchpad, a drunken Bill Shorten immediately opted for a rather more…poignant number. And so, before any of his colleagues could cry out “For the love of Sonny, No!”, Mr Shorten was passionately-but-off-keyedly belting out the chorus of Cher’s 1989 smash hit “If I Could Turn Back Time”.
It is presently unknown if Mr Shorten’s bar tab from the night was actually the Bill He Could Not Afford. Mr Albanese has however confirmed that as Prime Minister, if he could reach the stars he would indeed give them all to you.
Thank you Pastor for that fascinating report.
Note: The above article is fictitious and written for satirical purposes only. Thank you to Pastor Falzool for submitting his humorous take on the 2022 election results.