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Star Trek V: Kirk vs God

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While I quite like Star Wars – the first three movies made at any rate – I’m much more of a Trekkie.  And like my feelings on Star Wars, I much prefer the original stuff to the new stuff.  Oh there have been some quite good new movies made in both franchises, but it’s the old stuff that revs my engine.

Before Star Trek: The Next Generation debuted, there were 6 Star Trek movies. Admittedly the first one was a dog’s breakfast, an absolute shitshow which even the most die hard Trek fans struggle to like. The others were more well received but there is one that still cops flak – unfairly in my opinion – to this day. And that is Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.

Or as I like to call it – Kirk vs God.

Back in The Original Series Kirk faced down not only supremely powerful aliens with god-like powers routinely, but even met old gods from Earth like those of the Greek Pantheon.  In these encounters Kirk either had sex with them or beat them up – a winning formula for a Starship Captain on the frontier. 

Kirk: “I don’t care if he is in a dress – I’m not boning this one”

In Star Trek V this attitude of James Tiberius is taken to the extreme.  Let’s look a short synopsis of the plot:

 

*Kirk, Spock and Bones go camping, play with jet-boots and get drunk.

Kirk: “I was pissed and napping. I ain’t getting fully dressed for whatever this is”

*Spock’s half-brother Sybok brainwashes the crew of the Enterprise (bar Kirk & Spock) to fly the Starship to the center of the universe to find God.

*Klingon’s follow as their Commander wants to destroy Kirk since doing so, as his second in command states, it would make him “The greatest warrior in the Galaxy”.

*They find God.  Kirk, Bones, Spock and his brother beam down to a planet and have a chat with him.

God: “Hey, I’m God. I’m all loving, so do as I say or die!”

*Kirk doesn’t like the cut of God’s jib – Kirk thinks God is coming across as a bit of an arsehole.  So since God isn’t female Kirk picks a fight! God, wisely knowing that if he gets into a brawl with Kirk he will get his celestial arse handed to him, shoots at them with energy bolts instead, then has a wrestle with Spock’s brother and kills him.

*Kirk knows God’s cheating with the energy bolts so returns the favour by having The Enterprise shoot God with photon torpedoes. Kirk’s near where the blasts will impact but knows he can withstand it, whilst God himself sustains a nice bit of damage.  Kirk has his friends beamed away so he can finish the fight one-on-one.

*Kirk and God square off.  Before Kirk can headbutt him, the Klingon Bird of Prey spaceship shows up and shoots God in the face, killing him.  The gun then swings towards Kirk.

*Kirk’s pissed off – that was his fight!  So standing there he calls the Klingon’s bastards (despite the fact THE GUN THAT JUST KILLED GOD IS BEING AIMED RIGHT AT HIM!) and challenges the hovering Klingon Battleship to bring it on!

*Just before Kirk can punch on with the battleship he gets beamed up and turns out it was Spock in the Klingon battleship that shot God, as he was the Vulcan equivalent of pissed off at God for killing his brother.

*Everyone gets drunk again.

 

Now to me, that is good cinema.  Oh, besides the camping scene, the first half of the movie is forgettable with Spock’s half-brother running round curing peoples inner pain and whatnot.  And there was plenty of other stuff that probably could have been cut as well.  However the ending is great!

But then… could the ending have been EVEN BETTER?

I think so.  Frankly I wanted to see Kirk and God duke it out.  It might have been one of the few times Kirk was faced with an actual challenge – the two most powerful entities in the universe getting stuck into each other would have looked great on the big screen!  I also would have liked to see Kirk get into a fight with the Klingon Bird of Prey. Would have Kirk’s fists been enough to take down a heavily armed and armoured alien intergalactic battleship?  Personally I have faith they would have been up to the challenge, but I guess now we’ll never know.

Kirk vs Spaceship – lets get ready to rumble!

So yes, while many prefer the later Star Trek shows and movies, with Picard constantly drinking Earl Grey tea and Janeway talking to others about their feelings instead of, you know, making some tough decisions and actually getting her crew home quick, I shall always be a fan of the Original Series. And the last half hour of Star Trek V, where you get to see Kirk face off against the The Almighty himself and put the smack down, should be treasured by all those fans of Trek.

 

God something to say about this classic piece of cinematic history?  Pop it in the comments section below!

 

Related Article:

Movie Review – Star Trek Beyond

Random Rants

Big Romantic Trev’s Valentines Day Advice!

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Valentines Day.  The cynical see it as a day invented by the greeting card companies.  The sleazy see it as a day to prey on lonely, drunk, single people in bars.  For those of us with partners it can often seem a bit of a chore, as if like Christmas we are supposed to drag our sorry butts out there yet again and rack our brains for something to give our significant other in order to fulfill this yearly obligation.

But nay, these are all the wrong ways to look at this day of romance.  Yes it may be a bit cheesy, it may be a bit stereotypical, but Valentine’s Day really can be a day to enjoy and show the one you love that you actually do care!

Now, there are few that have met me that could deny I am a romantic soul.  I have romance drippin out me various pores I do!  When it comes to wooing the fairer sex there is me, Don Juan and Donald Trump.  So here are Big Romantic Trev’s tips for romancin the arse off your beloved!

A charming look to get even the iciest maiden peculating in the nethers

 

Lovin’ for the Ladies

Guys (and lesbians – excellent taste shown there girls!), it really isn’t that hard.  Go with the stereotypes.  You know why they are stereotypes?  Because everyone does them.  You know why everyone does them?  Because they work!  I always go the full gamut:

  • Flowers: If you know her favorite type of flowers that’s a definite plus!
  • Chocolates: If she has a real sweet tooth, get a great big box!  If not so much, a nice little box of Belgian chocolates goes down well.
  • Jewelry: No tiaras or belly-button rings (unless dating a hippy).  A nice pendant on a chain or a pair of earrings.  If you know her style, so much the better.
  • A card: Just a sweet one from a cheapy shop. Don’t waste $6 on something that she will go ‘oh isn’t that nice’ at and then put in a draw forever.  She will value the message you write more than the quality of the cardboard.
  • Food: Want brownie points?  Take her out to a fancy restaurant for a lovely candlelit meal for two.  If you have kids book a babysitter well in advance.  However if you want to score big points, cook her her favorite meal!  My wife loves Thai food so for example this year I will be taking her for lunch at a nice restaurant and then cooking her up some green curry for tea.
  • Wine: Doesn’t have to be champagne, just a nice bottle of whatever she likes.  Not a $200 bottle but don’t grab some eight-buck plonk from the gas station either.  Make sure that you actually know what she likes – no point in getting a dry white when she is a sweet red gal.
  • A massage: Got kids that refuse to fall asleep till late?  A nice shoulder massage while you are watching TV is good.  No kids or the kids went to sleep before midnight?  A nice long back massage with some proper oil will give her the best ending she could hope for that day.  And who knows – maybe she will be that appreciative she might rub something of yours in return so you get a happy ending too!
  • Lingerie: Hmmm… tricky.  You both know that it’s really for your own benefit.   I have known very few women who really dig expensive lingerie.  But on the other hand you don’t get many excuses to buy her a pair of fancy knickers so it’s hard to bypass the opportunity when it arises.  My advice – stagger it out.  Only get her some every second or third Valentines day. Otherwise she will see it that your opinion of Valentines is ‘I want a shag day’ and the romance will soon vanish.

 

Mush for the Men

Men are simple creatures; we don’t need a lot of romancing.  However even we appreciate the odd gesture to remind us that we are loved.  Luckily these gestures, like every girl I dated at Uni, are cheap and easy:

  • Food: Wanna make your man feel loved?  Cook him a big breakfast!  Doesn’t have to have everything but a generous helping of eggs, sausages, bacon, beans and toast are a must with a strong cup of coffee.  No need to give it to us in bed, that’s a Fathers Day thing.
  • Nookie: Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day so your man is going to be hoping for a bit of action.  If it’s a weekend and you’ve got no kids, well there are certain ways of waking up your man that will make him feel very loved indeed!  Otherwise a romantic liaison between the sheets at evenings end, perhaps wearing that nice lingerie he bought you that you pretended you liked, should make him a very happy chappy.

And that’s it for romancing a guy – told ya we don’t need much!

 

So this Valentines Day, don’t treat it as a chore.  Treat it as a chance to show that special someone that they mean the world to you.  And don’t forget to fill your bellies, your hearts and yes, your beds, with love!

 

Got some more Valentines Day tips?  Would love to read them in the comments section below!