Today we have a question from Matt in Melbourne:
“The Bunnings slogan says ‘lowest price are just the beginning’. What’s it the beginning of and what’s the end?”
Well Matt, most companies and corporations are after two ends – becoming an economic powerhouse and your money.
However Bunnings is a bit different – the ends they covet are achieving the status of their own Religion and your very soul.
What do religions spruik as some of their top selling points? A place to go on Sundays, the promise of improving your life and the greater promise of offering you an afterlife.
What does Bunnings offer? A place to go on Sundays? It sure does, it seemed that one of the places people have lamented most not being able to attend during the pandemic is Bunnings (unless you were a Karen, then you went anyway and made sure not to wear a mask). You saw it everywhere – on social media, in news stories – everyone wailed and gnashed their teeth that they were unable to go down to this huge hardware store to pick up what they need for their Sunday arvo jobs.
And while Christianity might offer you a wafer on a Sunday as the Body of Christ, Bunnings offers you a sausage in bread on a Sunday as the body of a cow – much more palatable in my opinion.
The offer of improving your life? That’s Bunnings to a tee! It’s all ‘why not build a patio to relax on? Why not treat yourself to a new outdoor setting and a self-timed dripper system for the garden? Why not improve your life in a million little ways with our help?’ And whilst most religions have priests, preachers, rabbi’s, monks and the like – Bunnings has ‘helpful staff to advise you on all your home renovation needs’.
Admittedly half the time these staff don’t seem to fully understand what they are talking about, but why should Bunnings be different to any other place of worship in that regard?
The promise of an afterlife? Well Matt, this is where ‘lowest prices are just the beginning’ comes in to play. For:
‘In the beginning, did man walk upon the earth. And doth did man say “My life is poor. How shall I find peace and happiness?”.’
‘And lo, he heardeth a voice that seemed to commeth from the air itself “Thou shalt build an outdoor deck. And this deck shall be made of the finest treated pine timber, have bevelled railings and a breakfast seat for two”.’
‘And man did cry “But how shall I buildeth this deck upon which to break my fast? For I am but a humble man who hungers greatly – I have neither food to eat nor gold for lumber”.’
‘And the voice did call out “Thou shalt easily afford the materials thee needs for thy labours. For thee shall eat of the fatted calf in bread, yea, even with tomato sauce and onions if thou wishes! And thou shalt taketh the wood thou dost need, for the prices be low. And these low prices for thee will be but the beginning!”.’
‘And doth did the man eateth of the sausage in the bread. And doth did he getteth the treated pine he did require, alongeth with some discounted railing posts, self-tapping screws and a nice new cordless drill with full set of attachments. And lo the deck was built’.
‘From that day on, every Sunday did the man visit Bunnings and worship humble. And yea did his life improve week upon week, especially after the new barbeque pit. And when the man’s life was at its end, his grateful and weary hand laid down his circular saw with retractable blade and was at rest’.
‘And as his spirit did ascend, it approached the great green shed of paradise with its excellent parking, yea, even if thou broughteth a trailer. And the helpful staff did look upon the works the man had made in life. And yea, they were most impressed with the gazebo he had built with it’s recessed lighting and lattice trim around the arches, and he was ushered through the glass sliding doors to the great beyond. Doth did he enter the end, an existence of eternal bliss, where the shelves were always full and the snags were perfectly cooked, and as looked about him the man did realise that indeed, low prices had only been the beginning.’
‘So endeth the lesson’.
So perhaps think twice when next Sunday comes round. Do you really wish to worship a great red hammer, like so many communists have before you?
Or do you wish to remain a free-thinking person, able to decide for yourself what handyman jobs you wish to do or not do? As for your eternal spirit, would it want to push one of those annoying trolleys with the long flat bottom and tiny basket on top around fertilizer isles for the rest of eternity? I think not.
So visit a local & locally owned hardware store once in a while and put some money in their collection till instead. After all, no one wants to live in a world where the Holy Wars of the future will be fought between the Blessed of Bunnings and the Faithful of Mitre 10.
Thank you for your question Matt.
Related Articles:
Ask Trev: Where does all my mucus go?
Ask Trev: Can you get rid of flatulence odour with a vacuum?
