Once again, we have a question from a long time reader – Madds in Melbourne.

When the polar ice caps melt, and release an apocalyptic gas cloud from the arctic tundra / or when Trumples and Kimbo wage nuclear Armageddon what is your post apocalyptic action plan?

 

Well, much as when Matt asked me about my plan for when we have a Zombie Apocalypse, this is already a subject I have given much thought to and yours truly is well prepared.

Like when planning against the Zombie Apocalypse, I live on a remote farm (not the same one) that is well inland hours away from the ocean.  Even with the ice caps melting the seas will not rise enough to cross the Blue Mountains to reach our local and since we are now much further north, the apocalyptic gas cloud should only affect the more southern part of this continent, thereby rendering us relatively safe from this eventuality.

However when Trumples and Kimbo wage Nuclear Armageddon is another matter.

They’ve been having recent chats but  I am not hopeful.  Kimbo is likely to turn around and launch a missile on a whim and, given how rude he was recently to the Queen of England, Trumples is antagonistic enough that if he doesn’t start a Nuclear War with North Korea, he is going to eventually start a war with someone.

So what is my action plan then?

Well as I said we are well situated.  About half way between Sydney and Canberra we lie outside any blast zones or radiation fallout areas.  Whilst millions in the region will die, we will be fine.

We will look to our sustainability first off.  We have rainwater tanks as well as our own creek with a water purification system, so will maintain a reserve of clean water well after others have run out.  We have a solar panels and a diesel generator, so as long as the sun shines and we can scavenge fuel for a while we will have power.  We have goats, chooks and ducks so we will have access to eggs and meat on top of having fruit & nut trees and vegetable & herb gardens for sustenance.  We will be OK.  Worst comes to worst there are enough Kangaroos on our land to eat heartily for decades!

Which puts us in a position of power!

Like in the old world, in the new world order power will be paramount.  But now as a permacultralist who has fresh food, water and also electricity, we will have the power!  We will lord it over all the bankers, lawyers and politicians who currently earn 20 times more than I do.  And they will come begging.

I will strengthen the fences of our farm and patrol our lands.  Anyone looking for fresh food and water need to be able to negotiate for entry.  Either with resources of their own in tow, or useful skills such as medicine or mechanical repairs will be required to join us.  As our numbers grow, we will attract more people with a wider diversity of skills.  Carpenters, midwives, butchers, bakers, candlestick makers – all will wish to  join my our community and soon a working village will establish itself, with folks able to support each other with goods and services, even after all resources able to be scavenged from beyond our borders have been depleted.

 

But what of those that wish to undermine the new order?

Easily fixed.  All newcomers to our community, once properly vetted, will be branded with a hot iron on the back of their left shoulder blade with a mark resembling my benevolent visage and a hand giving the thumbs up underneath.  Any pretending to be part of our community who are not will be fed to the pigs – human flesh being of considerable dietary benefit to the porkers.  This ensures security and loyalty amongst my flock.

But what of raiders?

Whereas with the Zombie Apocalpse, where zombies will be the biggest worry regarding transgressors, it will be Mad Max-like bands of marauders roaming the land that will be of major concern.  These groups will have regressed back to the ‘might-makes-right’ mindset, with the biggest, burliest and nastiest forming gangs around themselves.  Though a mixture of violence and fear they will control their followers and scour the land, refusing to create but rather steal the toil of others.  Their main goals beyond destruction?  Obtaining fuel, food and women.

Luckily we also will be prepared for this.  Even man in my new order will be trained in marksmanship with a scoped rifle, able to knock the gnat off a rabbits dick from 500 yards.  All womenfolk will be trained extensively in hand-to-hand combat, as well as the proficient use handheld weapons – particularly knives.

Not only does this empower women within my new world order community to know that on a one-to-one basis they can beat the living crap out of or even kill any man who tries to get overly fresh with them, it will surprise the hell out of raiders!

Imagine a scavenging road gang, having breached our gates, coming into the main compound ready for combat.  Now any man they would see they would immediately kill on the spot.  Not women.  Women is what they are after.  They see a few dozen apparently unguarded ladies with smiling and somewhat lascivious smiles on the faces.  These raiders will think they have reached the promised land!

Of course, as they dismount from their motorcycles and dune buggies and approach these fair maidens, hidden snipers from every conceivable angle will take them out.  Any left standing will be sliced from scrotum to sternum by the women of our clan, relishing the feeling of spilling the guts of their would-be aggressors onto the soil below.  These pricks wont stand  a chance!

 

As the years progress, I will retire slowly from the community, becoming more of a holy figure amongst the people as my offspring continue to command the rabble and expand our territory, annexing new towns and hamlets by the score.  By the time some of the radiation from the capital cities has receded, I will be lying on my death bed, surrounded by my loved ones with the palace-like-homestead I inhabit beset by thousands of worshipers crying in lament, me content in the knowledge that I have set humanity upon a path to redemption and that statues in my likeness proclaiming me as the true messiah will stand for generations to come, my will controlling the fate of the human race long after my passing.

Of course, humanity one day will recover enough to bring back the sciences of the past and improve upon them.  It is with a satisfied certainty I know that when, in about a thousand years when humanity gets close to destroying itself for a second time, these technologies will be used to revive me to the land of the living to save civilization once again, and thus take my rightful place as overlord of the new age of man, extending my influence to the stars and beyond.  I will through inspiration, charisma and my natural musky scent, lead us all to conquer the heavens above and I will live forever as Big Angry Trev the 1^st – Grand Space Emperor Supreme!  All will love me and despair – or I’ll have their balls chopped off!

 

Well, that’s my plan anyway.

Hope this answers your question Madds.

 

 

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