The Plebiscite Postal Vote is almost upon us and you can’t turn on a radio or television without almost immediately being subjected to discussions of it.  Don’t even think of going on the internet, let alone social media, as everyone screams their two cents in unadulterated rage at the other side.

 

Now me, I’m going to take a different tact.  I’ve got a message for two of the most vocal groups against gay marriage – those groups being Ocker Aussie Blokes and Christians.  I’m not going to try to convince you to vote for gay marriage – I know you are not going to – there is no point me yelling at you.  My message is why you shouldn’t be afraid of gay marriage.  Because guess what?  Even if it doesn’t happen this time around, eventually it will happen so you had better get comfortable with the concept.

 

To the Ocker Aussie Blokes:

Guys, if there is one group that should be in favor of gay marriage it’s you guys – think about it:

• For every two guys that get together, that means two less guys as competition to pick up that hot chick at the end of the bar. You should want more guys to turn gay!  Imagine if you were one of the few straight guys on earth – yeah maybe TV might suck more but you’d have women literally lined up around the block waiting for a shag!
• Women getting married – that’s pretty hot! How are these lesbians going to pay for their weddings?  Two women getting married means two wedding dresses and those things are bloody expensive!  Maybe they will make a saucy video and put it online that you can watch for a small fee as a way of raising the cash eh?  Even more hot girl love on the net – boo-yah!
• Girl couples everywhere! To build upon the last point, lesbians being able to marry means they will feel more socially accepted for their sexuality.  This means that they are more likely to freely express affection in public.  Imagine being on your lunch break, eating a sandwich, to look over and see two girls going the pash, even engaging in a bit of light petting.  What a wonderful bloody country this will become – I’ll damn well be voting for it!

 

To the Christians

• Everything that happens is part of the Devine Plan. No getting away from that.  So if it does happen, it means that God meant for it to happen.  So don’t get upset, just accept it’s part of the almighty’s divine will that your little human brain cant comprehend.
• It will make gays easier to spot and subsequently judge. You won’t have to hunt them out anymore, checking closets in case there is a nest of them ensconced somewhere in your neighborhood.  They will be out in the open, holding the hands of their legal spouses.  Makes it a lot easier to target them to give them fliers about The Truth and tell them at length how they should be living their lives.
• More room in Heaven, less in Hell. In The Book of Revelations it gives the dimensions of Heaven which is about half the size of the USA.  Given the population boom, you don’t want to go around saving everyone.  If everyone gets into Heaven it’s going to be standing room only – forever.  Not even room to swing a harp!  You don’t want those sodomites in Hell stretching out with plenty of room laughing at you do you?

 

But to both the Ocker Aussie Blokes and The Christians, let me give you this last piece of reasoning.  You know why you shouldn’t stress if Gay Marriage happens?  Because if it does happen it means we won’t have another bloody plebiscite postal vote that costs over ONE HUNDRED MILLION OF TAXPAYERS DOLLARS because our pollies are too afraid of pissing off the wrong special interest groups and getting voted out!

 

As I said before, gay marriage is going to happen one day.  Just like equal rights for women and equal rights for indigenous people, there is no stopping the march for equal rights for the LGBT’s – it’s inevitable.  So let’s just get it over with eh?  Then you Ocker Aussie Blokes can get back to getting pissed in front of the footy and ranting about how bloody foreigners are ruining this country, and you Christians can get back to telling your children that the invisible man in the sky loves them but will make them burn in unbearable pain for all eternity if they love the wrong person.   And the rest of us can just get on with it because gays getting married isn’t going to make a damn bit of difference to anybody else’s day to day lives.

 

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