This is a stumper of a question but as you will see, I have come up with a brilliant, if somewhat unorthodox, solution.

Dear Trev, I am a gay male in my mid 30’s.  I’ve been trying for years but can’t find a relationship.  All the good guys my age are taken and all the younger ones only want sex.  What do I do?  I’m feeling lonely and desperate!

Well, I have the answer to your problem.  An answer so brilliant I expect I’ll get a float in my honor in Sydney’s next gay pride parade!  This is a solution that will work for most any member of the LGBT community (Well, maybe not the B’s) that finds themselves in the same boat.

If you are a gay guy looking for a relationship but genuinely can’t find one with another guy – marry a lesbian!

Now hang on, don’t tune out or start shouting angrily just yet!  This isn’t as preposterous as it sounds.  Let me explain.

I’m not talking about marrying some random lesbian off the street.  I’m talking about marrying one whom you feel a deep emotional connection with and finds themselves in a similar situation.  This is about finding a relationship somewhere else if you genuinely can’t find one in your own demographic, not finding a sexual partner.  And in the end, what is it people really want from a relationship anyway?  Someone to love and to reciprocate that love.  Someone to talk to at the end of a long day at work.  Someone they can cuddle with on the couch watching TV and put their arms around at night.  Someone to introduce to their family and maybe have children with.  Well this platonic arrangement can provide all that and some unexpected perks!

Emotional security

• You can do all of the above with someone you are not sexually attracted to. You don’t need to share a sexual attraction to love someone and enjoy spending time with them.
• Being with someone will assuage those feelings of loneliness and isolation. Nothing better than a good hug and chat with someone you love.

Shutting up the small-minded

Disclaimer: I don’t think any gay person should be anything other than proud, or ever feel they have to hide who they really are.  These are just options you could use, if you wished, to deal with a society that is still not as accepting as it should be.  Don’t want these options?  Feel free to bin them.

• Despite the fact it’s the new millennium unfortunately homophobia, like racism, has refused to die the death it deserves. Do you have a boss you suspect is a closet homophobe and that is why you keep getting passed over for promotion?  Get nasty looks from your Christian neighbors?  Your Mum loves you but keeps asking if you are ‘going through a phase’?  Well this shuts them all the hell up!  Introduce them to your new wife and watch them back off!  It means living a bit of a lie but if it means not having to put up with fricken idiots on a daily basis who will never change their minds, you might consider it worth it.  If not, quite rightly tell them to go f*ck themselves!
• Want to experience a wedding one day? No waiting around for another decade while the government stalls on a decision that the majority of the public thought was a no-brainer long ago.
• Want children? Well gay couples can adopt but the system is still biased towards ‘heterosexual’ couples sadly.  This will push you way up the list and provide a child with a much needed home where the parents love each other and will in turn love them.

Sexual fulfillment

• Want a child that is genetically your own? Both of you get really drunk and engage in a bit of cross-dressing cosplay coitus – it could work!  No going hunting for sperm or womb donors.
• Sexual jealousy is off the table. You can f*ck whoever the hell you like!  Open marriages don’t usually work because of the jealously one feels when you think your partner finds another man/woman more attractive than you.  Well here you know it’s the case from the start so no problem!  Go get your jollies with as many sexual partners as you like then come home for a nice cup of tea and a cuddle with your spouse.  You will be the envy of all other couples everywhere!
• It’s way easier to get someone to video tape you during sex. For heterosexual couples you can never find someone (so I hear) as you know whoever is using the camera is attracted to at least one of you.  Nothing ruins a shot like the cameraperson trying to do some ‘audience participation’ right at the climax of the scene.  Here you know your spouse has no interest in either you or the person you are having sex with, so will concentrate on getting the best camera angles possible and the lighting just right.

The list goes on and on but I reckon the above illustrates the point well enough.  If you are gay or lesbian and genuinely can’t find another person of your persuasion to have a meaningful relationship with, then this might just be the answer to all your problems.  Hell – it IS the answer to all your problems!  All of the love, none of the fidelity.  You lucky, lucky buggers!

I’ll see you all at the next gay pride parade where I expect I’ll get my trophy for Best.  Idea.  Ever!

Got something to say about the above?  Would love to read it in the comments section below!