kill Archives - Big Angry Trev!

While I quite like Star Wars – the first three movies made at any rate – I’m much more of a Trekkie. And like my feelings on Star Wars, I much prefer the original stuff to the new stuff. Oh there have been some quite good new movies made in both franchises, but it’s the old stuff that revs my engine.

Before Star Trek: The Next Generation debuted, there were 6 Star Trek movies. Admittedly the first one was a dog’s breakfast, an absolute shitshow which even the most die hard Trek fans struggle to like. The others were more well received but there is one that still cops flak – unfairly in my opinion – to this day. And that is Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.

Or as I like to call it – Kirk vs God.

Back in The Original Series Kirk faced down not only supremely powerful aliens with god-like powers routinely, but even met old gods from Earth like those of the Greek Pantheon. In these encounters Kirk either had sex with them or beat them up – a winning formula for a Starship Captain on the frontier.

Kirk: “I don’t care if he is in a dress – I’m not boning this one”

In Star Trek V this attitude of James Tiberius is taken to the extreme. Let’s look a short synopsis of the plot:

*Kirk, Spock and Bones go camping, play with jet-boots and get drunk.

Kirk: “I was pissed and napping. I ain’t getting fully dressed for whatever this is”

*Spock’s half-brother Sybok brainwashes the crew of the Enterprise (bar Kirk & Spock) to fly the Starship to the center of the universe to find God.

*Klingon’s follow as their Commander wants to destroy Kirk since doing so, as his second in command states, it would make him “The greatest warrior in the Galaxy”.

*They find God. Kirk, Bones, Spock and his brother beam down to a planet and have a chat with him.

God: “Hey, I’m God. I’m all loving, so do as I say or die!”

*Kirk doesn’t like the cut of God’s jib – Kirk thinks God is coming across as a bit of an arsehole. So since God isn’t female Kirk picks a fight! God, wisely knowing that if he gets into a brawl with Kirk he will get his celestial arse handed to him, shoots at them with energy bolts instead, then has a wrestle with Spock’s brother and kills him.

*Kirk knows God’s cheating with the energy bolts so returns the favour by having The Enterprise shoot God with photon torpedoes. Kirk’s near where the blasts will impact but knows he can withstand it, whilst God himself sustains a nice bit of damage. Kirk has his friends beamed away so he can finish the fight one-on-one.

*Kirk and God square off. Before Kirk can headbutt him, the Klingon Bird of Prey spaceship shows up and shoots God in the face, killing him. The gun then swings towards Kirk.

*Kirk’s pissed off – that was his fight! So standing there he calls the Klingon’s bastards (despite the fact THE GUN THAT JUST KILLED GOD IS BEING AIMED RIGHT AT HIM!) and challenges the hovering Klingon Battleship to bring it on!

*Just before Kirk can punch on with the battleship he gets beamed up and turns out it was Spock in the Klingon battleship that shot God, as he was the Vulcan equivalent of pissed off at God for killing his brother.

*Everyone gets drunk again.

Now to me, that is good cinema. Oh, besides the camping scene, the first half of the movie is forgettable with Spock’s half-brother running round curing peoples inner pain and whatnot. And there was plenty of other stuff that probably could have been cut as well. However the ending is great!

But then… could the ending have been EVEN BETTER?

I think so. Frankly I wanted to see Kirk and God duke it out. It might have been one of the few times Kirk was faced with an actual challenge – the two most powerful entities in the universe getting stuck into each other would have looked great on the big screen! I also would have liked to see Kirk get into a fight with the Klingon Bird of Prey. Would have Kirk’s fists been enough to take down a heavily armed and armoured alien intergalactic battleship? Personally I have faith they would have been up to the challenge, but I guess now we’ll never know.

Kirk vs Spaceship – lets get ready to rumble!

So yes, while many prefer the later Star Trek shows and movies, with Picard constantly drinking Earl Grey tea and Janeway talking to others about their feelings instead of, you know, making some tough decisions and actually getting her crew home quick, I shall always be a fan of the Original Series. And the last half hour of Star Trek V, where you get to see Kirk face off against the The Almighty himself and put the smack down, should be treasured by all those fans of Trek.

God something to say about this classic piece of cinematic history? Pop it in the comments section below!

Related Article:

Movie Review – Star Trek Beyond

This question comes from Betty in Boga:

“Dear Big Angry Trev. My whole family supports you in your war against the mosquitoes! Do you have any tips for us so that we may battle them too?”

Well Betty, like any great battle there are two main areas you need to consider – offense and defense. I’ll assume you already have the supply chains to your troops in place so lets get straight to weaponry eh!

Offense – Weapon 1 – the HAND!

*The best friend of Mozzie haters and single men alike*

Not just for self-gratification and the ferrying of meat and beer to the mouth, your hand is your first line of attack when battling the airborne foe. Mosquitoes don’t fly as fast as flies do so quick reflexes and a clap of the hands wshould guarantee a kill. Be careful though when slapping them when they have already alighted on you, I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve deafened myself by slapping my ear or had to go have a sit down because I whacked at one too hard that had landed on my crotch.

Offense – Weapon 2 – the SWATTER!

Not just for bargian basement S&M anymore — *Not just for bargain basement S&M anymore*

A lot more fun than actually effective. It gives you good reach and speed but more often than not will just injure – not kill.

Offense – Weapon 3 – AIRBORNE SPRAYS!

Very good for indoors, give a room a damn good spray and watch all mozzies in the area drop like flies! If they are bad indoors it’s a good idea to give your bedroom a spray before turning in. Downside of these is that they are not particularly effective outdoors unless you actually hit the target. One trick I have learned is to leave the outdoor light on for an hour at night, then go and spray the million mozzies that have been attracted to it. Of course, that’s a lot of corpses to be cleaned up in the morning but since they are your enemies you should do it with a vengeful smile on your face!

Offense – Weapon 4 – the ZAPPER!

Puts out UV light which attracts the mozzies and then when they get too close ZAP! Instant electrocution! I went and bought the biggest one I could find. There are a few downsides though. Very ineffective during the day as their light is drowned out by the sun, even if you hang them in a shady area. Also the bigger ones need to be plugged in which usually necessitates it being close to your house or shed. Personally I have mine hung under the verandah as far from the front door as possible since they need to attract mozzies to the area before it can kill them.

Defense – Weapon 1 – CREAMS and SPRAYS

Lots of different bug repellents on the market and all work to a greater or lesser degree. The mozzies we have this season seem to happily pierce clothing so I give my clothes a good spray of Aeroguard as well before going around the farm. There are lots of kid friendly brands and you can get creams that are both sunscreens and big repellents in one.

Defense – Weapon 2 – CITRONELLA CANDLES

These may seem a bit hippy but they do work. They give off a smoke from the wax and wick that keeps the mozzies at bay. While having a candle or two lit is always nice, these are completely ineffective on a windy day outside and are too smelly to use indoors.

Defense – Weapon 3 – INDUSTRIAL GRADE BARRIER CHEMICALS!

Now we are talking! These are designed to keep damn near every bug in existence away! Spray it on the ground, ants wont walk over it. Spray it on the walls, the smell sends away the fliers. Spray it around doorframes, no spiders trying to get in. Really does work a treat! I use Insectigone which, while not as strong as some others, emits no odours humans can detect, has no detrimental effect on kids or animals, and if you reduce the dosage (you mix this stuff with water then spray it) you can even spray it on plants! I’ve given my veranda a good going over and since I’ve done it I only get a couple of mozzies there a day instead of dozens. Only downside with these are if the mozzies are already chasing you or actually on you, they wont give a damn when you cross the barrier line and then they are trapped in with you until you kill’em. Also these are usually available at places that sell proper chemicals, not supermarkets.

Good luck with the war Betty – and as a great man once said – KILL! KILL THEM ALL!

Big Angry Trev!

Tag Archives: kill

Star Trek V: Kirk vs God

Ask Trev: How to battle mosquitoes

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