Today we have another question from Lucille, all the way in South Africa!

Big Angry Trev, how do you plan a romantic fun treasure hunt for your other half’s bday?

 

Well Lucille, a fun treasure hunt usually involves items hidden all over town.

A romantic treasure hunt usually involves items hidden all over your body.

So how to combine the two?

Easy!  Don’t use your body.

If one follows scavenging animals for long enough, one will usually come across a corpse.  Could be a homeless bum who froze to death, could be a junkie that shot up one time too many.  Heck, could even be someone who saw how much a damn coffee costs these days and had a heart attack!  The point is, search and ye shall find.

Now when you hide items all over town they can be pretty much any size.  When you hide items on your body, they usually need to be tiny in order to hide under the fall of a breast, cleft of a buttock or behind the meaty curtain of your average scrotum.  By following the method outlined below, you should be able to meld these two concepts into something both romantic and fun!

 

Items Required:

*Treasure Hunt items (none bigger than say a fish bowl)

*Several corpses located in different parts of town

*A scalpel

*Needle and twine

*Hand sanitizer

*A treasure map

 

Step 1: Load up your sack full of the different items you want your other half to find.

Step 2: Wander around town until you find your first corpse.  Mark on your map where it is located.

Step 3: Using your scalpel, cut an incision in the corpse.  Where you do this will depend on what you are planting there.  If jewellery, just behind the spleen or even the lung cavity are perfect spots.  If something larger like a new teapot or a DVD Box Set, then I suggest the gut.  If the person is fat enough, you can even hollow out a buttock cavity and pop a toaster in there.

Step 4: Sew the corpse back up.

Step 5: Continue to do this with every corpse you find, making sure to mark them on your map.

Step 6: When defiling your last corpse (I suggest at least half a dozen), the most special gift should go in there.  Usually plane tickets for a romantic trip are the most appropriate, as well as getting you out of town for a while in case the police take interest in your activities.

 

Then on the day you give your significant other their surprise (in Summer I suggest as soon as possible, in Winter you have a while before the dead begin to really smell) meet them at their house dressed in your loveliest clothes.  Present them with the map, the scalpel, the hand santizer (otherwise the whole exercise would just be yucky), the sack and tell them to get searching!

Follow along and watch the surprise and delight your romantic fun treasure hunt gives your loved one as they rummage through intestines and bladders to find their special gifts!  Then wing your way to take a well-deserved holiday, all while the police search in vain for whoever has been committing these foul deeds.

 

I hope this works for you Lucille.  Given it’s my 10-year wedding anniversary in a few months, I might just be doing the same for my lovely bride!

Good Luck!

 

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