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Ask Trev: Where does all my mucus go?

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Today we have another question from Shannon in Pendle Hill:

‘When you have a Vicks VapoDrop lozenge, where does the mucus in your nose go?  It just disappears!’

Seems so innocent and helpful…

 Well Shannon I must say, in this day and age of Pandemics, its nice to see someone still thinking about the common cold.

Before we continue, I must state right now DO NOT USE THOSE DROPS!  EVER!

 

Now let me tell you why….

 

In the era of information gathering, everyone is worried about it happening online.  Social Media outlets monitoring your posts to find out about your work and family.  Search Engines watching what you look for so they can target advertising right at your weaknesses.  Beware the Cookies!

But forget online – it doesn’t matter.  It’s the bastion of nerds, stalkers and of course the incredibly intelligent, good looking people who read this blog.  No, you need to worry about what is happening in reality, and what one company is after – your genetic template.

‘We are coming for your goo’

That’s right, Vicks isn’t interested in curing your cold! They are however interested in your mucus.  Because if they get your mucus they get your DNA.  And if they have your DNA, then they can clone you.  And if they can clone you, then they can murder you, put their clone in your place and then they have yet another operative out there in society doing their malevolent bidding!  You had savings?  That money now belongs to the Vicks company.  You had a job? Now your clone works there, subtly furthering the Vicks agenda.  You had kids?  They are now your clone’s kids and being raised in the Vicks ideology.

See this guy? He’s now sticking it to your wife.

Those Vapodrops are not designed to cure your mucus problems.  They are to signal the company that there is snot to be harvested!  When you suck the pill and it dissolves, a tiny radioactive marker is released.  You don’t notice it as you are sick and already feel like shit anyway.  That radioactive marker is then picked up on by one of the multitude of Vicks controlled satellites orbiting the earth and your location immediately relayed to the nearest infiltration team. Then, as you sleep, the team silently enters your home and, using a mini turkey-baster, sucks all of the mucus out of your nose.  Then they hightail it with a vial-full of your precious DNA. This is happening in thousands of homes across the world each night!

Shit – they’ve gone international!

 

So Shannon, that is where your mucus goes when you pop a Vicks Vapodrop lollie.  It goes to a secret underground bunker where scientists analyse it and begin preparations to make a Shannon-clone, soon to become one of the ever-growing army of snot-spawned operatives that each day bring us towards a total Vicks-controlled populace and the annihilation of society as we know it!

Shaped just like a lozenge – no coincidence

So next time mate, do us all a favour and just use a hanky eh 😉

I hope this has answered your question.

 

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Random Rants

Coronavirus: The Toilet Paper Conspiracy

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Right now much of the world is in the grip of panic. Like SARS before it, a new virus – COVID-19 or the Coronavirus – is spreading across the globe, with nearly 100000 cases worldwide so far and deaths in the triple figures. Thought to originate in Wuhan China, air travel has taken it to every continent on the globe and more and more countries are dealing with outbreaks of the potentially deadly disease.

But did it really originate in Wuhan? And is it really a natural virus?

 

Here in Australia, much like the rest of the world, supermarkets are experiencing massive runs on toilet paper. People are buying hundreds of rolls at a time to stockpile and shelves empty as fast as they can be restocked. So with stock in toilet paper companies rising  right now it’s a good time to own shares in a loo-paper company.

In fact one might say it’s a very good time to own shares. Almost a suspiciously good time.

 

That’s right – COVID-19 is not a natural virus! It is a synthetic virus. And who created this virus? THE TOILET PAPER INDUSTRY!

So much death just to sell some bogroll

 

Think about it – what’s the results of COVID-19 so far?

*Nearly a hundred thousand people worldwide are sick? What do you do when you are sick? Go to the toilet more often for a start.

*What do the authorities recommend if you think you may be infected? Quarantine yourself at home for 14 days. Being that bored you are going to eat more, therefore defecate more, therefore need more toilet paper. And being stuck at home for a fortnight, you are going to stock up on dunny paper big time before you sequester yourself away.

*What is half the populace of the planet doing right now in response to the Coronavirus. Simple – the general public are shitting themselves!

Depleted toilet paper shelves in Tumut NSW (Photo Credit; S. Addison)

Everybody has always known what a bloodthirsty realm the toilet paper industry is. Cartels fighting for power in the streets – many’s the bathroom-tissue brawler left with a sharpened dunny roll protruding from their bloody eye socket. Scientists working in the toilet paper equivalent of meth labs, each trying to come up with something more absorbent or to add yet another unrequired ply. It’s something we have all come to see as a necessary evil in order for us to not have to wipe our arses with the back of our hands. But now things have gone too far. The creation of synthetic viruses in order to sell more bogroll is an evil one could equate to the how the tobacco industry adds addictive chemicals to their cigarettes in order to get people hooked, despite the fact that due to their products their consumers eventually die. And lets face it, the Toilet Paper consortium’s have had the governments of the world in their pockets for years. Plus this virus came from China, one of the biggest toilet paper manufactures in the world. Coincidence? I think not!

No toilet paper on the shelves in Sydney – but don’t worry, there is plenty more for you to buy on the way! (Photo Credit: T. Munn)

Well I shall have none of it – do you hear me you putrid purveyors of poop-paper! I shall not be stocking up on toilet paper as this crisis continues. I shall use leaves, I shall use bark, I shall use the scarfs of co-workers while they are not paying full attention. And I shall decry you from the rooftops – you murderous bastards will not get me!

 

Cry havoc, and let slip the arse-wipes of war!

 

 

Note: The above it written for satirical purposes only. BigAngryTrev.com extends its sympathies to all those across the globe who are suffering from the Coronavirus, as well as to the families of those who have lost loved ones to it.