Everyone gets headcolds – everyone!  Well, not vampires, zombies and people who prefer Beast Wars to Generation One maybe, but that’s because you need a soul to get a headcold (I’m not sure of the correlation but somehow the soul lowers your immune system, odd but true).  But for the rest of us a headcold is something we are guaranteed to get at least once a year if not more.  So to beat it – and I don’t mean cope with it, I mean kick its phlegm-producing-arse – here is the DEFINITIVE GUIDE on how to show this virus the door!

You will need the following items and consumables:

ITEMS FOR YOUR RECOVERY ROOM

*1 Bed with Electric Blanket

*1 Television, DVD/Blu Ray player and associated media

*1 Vaporizer with Eucalyptus oil

*1 Box of Tissues

*1 Cat – Burmese for preference

CONSUMABLES

*1 Box of Lemsips

*1 Loaf of Bread with Margarine for toast

*1 Pot of Home Made Chicken Soup (see this link for the recipe)

*1 Bottle of Orange Juice

*1 Bottle of Scotch

*1 Lemon

Here is how your day is going to go:

*Wake up – feel crap. Blow nose.  Ring in to work sick.  Throw cat outside.

*Put on electric blanket.  Make toast and a glass of juice.

*Make Soup – whilst it is heating, set up your Recovery Room.

*Make Lemsip – go back to bed, watch morning news.

*Get up, collect bowl of soup for lunch.  Put leftovers in slow cooker set to ‘warm’. Go back to bed and consume soup.

*Put bowl back in kitchen.  Use the toilet.  Blow nose.  Let cat in and collect DVD’s.

*Curl up in bed with cat, put on DVD, set vaporizer going.

(Note with Entertainment: Do NOT give yourself access to the internet!  You will spend the time checking your social profile updates rather than resting.  Also, do NOT watch Horror, Action or Porn DVDs – the idea is lower your heartrate!  Ideally you want something you enjoy but have seen before.  Think of your viewing choice like watching the Test Cricket on Boxing Day – it’s interesting enough you don’t get too bored but it’s slow and bland enough that you can easily fall asleep in front of it.)

(Extra Note: If you insist on reading instead of watching mindless films, make sure the book is likewise one you have read before and enjoy – you do not want a page turner keeping your brain active using up what vital energy you have.)

*Nap throughout afternoon in front of movies, the steamer helping you breathe and the electric blanket and cat helping you feel cozy and drowsy.

*Get up around dinner time and have second bowl of soup with toast.  Feed cat and throw outside. Blow nose.

*Watch whatever is on TV (Do NOT watch Reality Television! This has nothing to do with being sick – reality TV just sucks is all and you are suffering enough already!)

*Pour generous glass of scotch on rocks with a twist of lemon – it warms your insides and numbs you nicely!  Pour a second if not warm and numb enough.

*Refill steamer, use toilet, blow nose, bring cat back in, sleep.

 

Follow these instructions precisely and you should be feeling much better the next day.  If not – go see a doctor – chances are you have polio.

 

Feel better kids!