Gotta catch’em all!  A sentiment uttered by Pokémon fanatics and pedophiles alike.

 

Is there much of a difference?  Probably (though both groups made heavy use of the Pokémon GO app) .  Let’s take a look at that damn cartoon eh?  Or as I call it ‘Hansel & Gretel for the new millennium’.

The story centers around Ash, a 10 year old boy.  Now what should 10 year old boys be doing?  Living with Mum and Dad, going to school, taking piano lessons and the like one would think.  But no, this kid traipses off into the woods, no adult supervision and with a bunch of wild animals and the intent to catch more.

This cartoon isn’t set thousands of years ago by the way, where one had to bring down a wolf or elk in order to prove their manhood to the tribe.  No, its set in modern Japan, where apparently its perfectly fine for parents to let their kids ditch school and then head into the forest with some little yellow mutant hamster that can shoot deadly bolts of electricity.  And his mission?  To catch more mutant animals – ones that can shoot spikes and breathe fire and emit poisonous gasses and all manner of f*cked up shit!  And why is Ash trying to ‘Catch’em all’?  To make them fight each other.  That’s right, cock-fighting for kids! How merry!

When I was 10 I wasn’t even allowed to walk to a mates house after school by myself without ok’ing it with my mother first!  But nope, Ash’s parents are progressive and believe that stifles a child’s creativity.  And that immunizations cause Autism.  Year after year Ash never seems to grow, indicating a severe lack of proper nutrition (maybe he eats the Pokémon he captures – I’ll admit, I’d try a Charizard & chips – at least it would be self frying) .  Also he seems to wear the exact same clothes year in and year out – can’t the poor kid have a new pair of jeans (though he does keep his old clothes immaculate I must say).

Perhaps I’m being unfair. Ash (our Hansel) is often not actually alone.  On top of all the deadly animals, Ash usually has a small band of friends with him.  Other delinquent kids who aren’t interested in an education, within an ever changing roster (the kids that disappear probably get eaten by a damn Jigglypuff or something).  Usually there is another one or two boys and a girl.  Lets take a look at three of these girls:

Would you let your pre-teen daughters dress in skirts that ludicrously short and wander about in the woods with a bunch of boys sans grown-ups to keep an eye on things?  I think not!  And if so please leave your details in the comments section at the bottom of this page so I can pass them on to the authorities.  These little lasses will be visiting a ‘family planning center’ by the time they are 15 at the latest, I guarantee it.  Put on some damn clothes and get back to school you little tarts!

I mean come on – its not that hot!  Ash seems to always be wearing jeans and a jacket and he’s not sweating.  But then maybe these Gretel’s too are suffering like our Hansel is, no parents around to make them rug up and buy a sweater.

 

Oh, and lets not forget Team Rocket!  A grown man and woman duo, off their nuts on drugs to the point that they constantly hallucinate their cat can talk, who stalk Ash and his friends wherever they go.  Anyone ever heard of Stranger Danger?  Where are the authorities in all this?  Two adults that constantly follow small children – I mean are the cops waiting until the kids get molested or what?!  All this pair of deviants are lacking is a Gingerbread Cottage!

Bear in mind that this all equates to one of the most popular cartoons over the past twenty years.  It’s a damn billion dollar industry!  TV shows, movies, video games, toys, trading cards, apps – it’s a friggin cash cow!  Lets just sum up the story line of this travesty:

A 10 year old boy wanders around the forest with no adults, other little boys, scantily dressed girls and dangerous animals while they hunt even more dangerous animals to make’em fight each other as they get stalked by a couple of druggo loonies!  This is Pokémon – DVD’s on sale now!

You know what?  I’ll be keeping my kids watching Transformers.  At least it’s just a bunch of big alien robots shooting coloured lasers at each other.  Sounds a lot more wholesome to me.  Hansel & Gretel my arse!

 

Got an opinion about this cartoon of neglect and sin?  Would love for you to mention it in the comments section below!