Everyone gets headcolds – everyone! Well, not vampires, zombies and people who prefer Beast Wars to Generation One maybe, but that’s because you need a soul to get a headcold (I’m not sure of the correlation but somehow the soul lowers your immune system, odd but true). But for the rest of us a headcold is something we are guaranteed to get at least once a year if not more. So to beat it – and I don’t mean cope with it, I mean kick its phlegm-producing-arse – here is the DEFINITIVE GUIDE on how to show this virus the door!
You will need the following items and consumables:
ITEMS FOR YOUR RECOVERY ROOM
*1 Bed with Electric Blanket
*1 Television, DVD/Blu Ray player and associated media
*1 Vaporizer with Eucalyptus oil
*1 Box of Tissues
*1 Cat – Burmese for preference
CONSUMABLES
*1 Box of Lemsips
*1 Loaf of Bread with Margarine for toast
*1 Pot of Home Made Chicken Soup (see this link for the recipe)
*1 Bottle of Orange Juice
*1 Bottle of Scotch
*1 Lemon
Here is how your day is going to go:
*Wake up – feel crap. Blow nose. Ring in to work sick. Throw cat outside.
*Put on electric blanket. Make toast and a glass of juice.
*Make Soup – whilst it is heating, set up your Recovery Room.
*Make Lemsip – go back to bed, watch morning news.
*Get up, collect bowl of soup for lunch. Put leftovers in slow cooker set to ‘warm’. Go back to bed and consume soup.
*Put bowl back in kitchen. Use the toilet. Blow nose. Let cat in and collect DVD’s.
*Curl up in bed with cat, put on DVD, set vaporizer going.
(Note with Entertainment: Do NOT give yourself access to the internet! You will spend the time checking your social profile updates rather than resting. Also, do NOT watch Horror, Action or Porn DVDs – the idea is lower your heartrate! Ideally you want something you enjoy but have seen before. Think of your viewing choice like watching the Test Cricket on Boxing Day – it’s interesting enough you don’t get too bored but it’s slow and bland enough that you can easily fall asleep in front of it.)
(Extra Note: If you insist on reading instead of watching mindless films, make sure the book is likewise one you have read before and enjoy – you do not want a page turner keeping your brain active using up what vital energy you have.)
*Nap throughout afternoon in front of movies, the steamer helping you breathe and the electric blanket and cat helping you feel cozy and drowsy.
*Get up around dinner time and have second bowl of soup with toast. Feed cat and throw outside. Blow nose.
*Watch whatever is on TV (Do NOT watch Reality Television! This has nothing to do with being sick – reality TV just sucks is all and you are suffering enough already!)
*Pour generous glass of scotch on rocks with a twist of lemon – it warms your insides and numbs you nicely! Pour a second if not warm and numb enough.
*Refill steamer, use toilet, blow nose, bring cat back in, sleep.
Follow these instructions precisely and you should be feeling much better the next day. If not – go see a doctor – chances are you have polio.
Feel better kids!