Well here we are again, the first Saturday of September. In Australia the first Sunday in September signals Fathers Day, a great day for men who are Dads. But if prodigy you have not, then there is also just as manly a day that comes before – WORLD BEARD DAY! A day where around the world men who have adorned their faces with the bristles of power and the whiskers of righteousness can come together and let their spirits soar!
There is a certain kinship between those of the bearded persuasion. No, I’m not talking about those who grow them because their religion demands it, or because the other members of their particular Bikie club bully them to. I’m talking about your average Joe that truly chooses to – your man on the proverbial street who decides that the smooth of chin is not the way of life for them. The man who decides that for both fashion and practicality he needs A BIG, BUSHY BEARD!
When you are of the heavily whiskered variety and you see another of your ilk, a nod of acknowledgement as you go by is all you need. It speaks volumes – it says “I understand you and I approve of your lifestyle choice”. One can even go further with adding a very slight widening of the eyes and an infinitesimal raise of the eyebrow – this says “That beard is damn impressive man”. These are saved for those whose beard is so thick it requires a bi-weekly visit from Jims Gardening to keep it under control, not that any bearded man worth his salty whiskers would dream of getting another man in to do manual labor for him.
And that is another thing the beard tells the world. It says “I have testicles and they are sizable! I can change a tyre, I can cook a steak. I can make sweet love to a woman with such expertise she won’t even notice I’m still belching from the 6-pack & pizza I consumed before climbing aboard!”. You can trust the bearded to dig a trench, build a cabin, stick your dragon in a dungeon; the bearded man is your friend.
I feel great empathy for those who cannot grow a beard. I honestly believe it is the source of most teen violence, for these poor lads have nary a whisker and it causes them such pain they feel the need to break windows and rob old ladies of their pension money. I think it is also why so many women experience mood swings when menstruating – “I can’t grow a beard AND I’m bleeding from my genitalia?! What kind of sick god would do this?!” – I’d be pretty mad at the world too.
If you are a man who is capable of growing a beard and chosen not to, I would heavily rethink your decision. The beard is invaluable; it keeps your face warm in winter, it catches crumbs of food to keep you sated when hungry – why do you think the cavemen all had beards, because the triple blade hadn’t been invented yet? No – their beards kept them warm and fed and thus alive. Like having a mother made of follicles stuck to your face. Indeed without beards the human race would not been able to survive and thus evolve and we all wouldn’t be here today.
So on World Beard Day celebrate your beard! And if you are of the non-bearded variety go up to a bearded man and give him a couple of bucks and a corn-beef sandwich and say “Thank you. Thank you oh bearded one for keeping society alive!” He will modestly accept your acclaim, you money… then eat your sandwich.
Happy World Beard Day my hirsute brethren!