Tag Archives: Ask Trev

Ask Trev!

Ask Trev: Arrival and Departure Queries

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Today we have not one but two questions, from an old mate of mine – Greg in Bendigo.

 

Question 1: ‘Where do babies come from?  I heard a stork or something or do they come from cabbage patches? I heard that rumour as well’

‘Oo-Ar, I plants me humans next to me zucchini to discourage moths!’

Forget storks.  Forget cabbage patches.  The actual answer is – the fear of death my friend, THE FEAR OF DEATH!

You know what a hassle it is to have bloody kids?  A massive one mate!  Ya can’t go out with ya buddies drinking all night anymore.  Ya can’t go over to ya hippy friends’ houses to eat their special cookies and giggle at how rectangular the doorframes are.  No sleep, no sex, no money – and chances are when they get older they will say all their emotional problems are your fault and stick you in an old farts home; they spending your life savings while you spend your remaining days soiling yourself and watching the orderlies steal your medication to sell to street kids.  Having babies sucks!

But – THE FEAR OF DEATH!

‘Am I dying or am I having a baby? I’ve heard both are rather unpleasant’

That’s right, that’s where babies come from.  The biological imperative to pass on ones genes to the next generation so that at least some of your DNA will survive your passing. So when you are gone there is still some living, breathing, tangible evidence that you ever existed in the first place.  It’s also why when those babies grow up into adults, their parents then pressure them to have subsequent babies, so you get to see yet a further generation carry your DNA on.  This way your genes may still be surviving a good 70 years after you are deep in the cold damp ground, the wormies turning you into compost inside a ludicrously expensive box.  Having descendants is really the only life-after-death one gets, no matter what the priests of various religions may tell you, using fear of your own mortality to get their coffers filled.

Of course, there are great-grandkids as well, but no one really gives a crap about them. Your DNA is too watered down by that point and chances are you are probably too senile to understand who the hell they are anyway.

 

Question 2: ‘Where’s Wally?’


Wally’s dead.  Died fighting in Syria.  No DNA legacy for him!

 

Any other info Greg might find helpful?  Pop it in the comments section below!

Ask Trev!

Ask Trev: What to do on a fractured foot?

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This ‘Ask Trev’ question comes from Shannon in Pendle Hill:

‘What activities are there for someone housebound with a fractured foot?’

 

Some of you may remember Shannon as my big burly guide and guard from my public appearance at the Collectormania Toy Fair last year.  A towering mass of muscle, this lad is not used to inactivity so whereas for the more slothful of us being chairbound might be tolerable, for the likes of him it is a pain in more than just his foot.

‘This man is a dentist, so we can’t show you his face’

So, what can Shannon do when housebound and can’t walk, run or play hopscotch?

The answer most guys will give you is ‘That’s easy – play video games and masturbate!’ but I’m assuming that after several weeks at home already those two activities have been well and truly exhausted, so i’m going a different tact and that is house exploration.  The majority of houses are set up in such a way that everything you use the most is stored at chest height, making for easy access.  Things you never use are stored in the back of the tops of wardrobes and things you use only occasionally are stored on the bottom shelves so that you don’t have to bend down too often.  It is that level you are working at now Shannon, so time to get creative with what is in reach!

 

Make dinner for the family

‘What the hell do I do with these?’

Can’t reach the upper shelves of the fridge or pantry?  Then cook with what you can access.  The wife will be happy as suddenly a male is actually checking out what is in the crisper (a true rarity), so salads aplenty!  Of course, she may not be too thrilled with the Baking Soda, White Wine Vinegar and Pulled-Taffy soufflé that goes with it.

 

Try out a new fashion style

‘Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me!’

Lucky you dude – fashions go in cycles so chances are the old clothes stored in the bottom of your wardrobe are probably the toast of Milan right now!  Forget the clothes up on the hangars you can’t reach; those Corduroy Pants from the 80’s and Hypercolour T-Shirt from the 90’s will go perfectly with your Souvenir 10-Gallon Cowboy Hat from your trip to Texas and the Leopard-Print G-String you usually only wear on Valentine’s Day (or want to scare door-knocking religious zealots).  Talk about sex-on-(broken)legs!

 

Catch up on your viewing

Best. Anthology. Ever.

Can’t reach your fav Blu Rays anymore eh?  Time to bust out the old DVD’s that never get a viewing.  Bring on Weekend at Bernie’s 1, Legally Blond 2, Transformers 3, Jaws 4 and Tremors 5!  Top that off with all 8 seasons of Home Improvement and the hours will just fly by as your brain slowly melts into a pile of numb mush.

 

So enjoy exploring your home on a level that is usually reserved for kids, dwarfs and the cast of Hogans Heroes, you will see your living space from an entirely new perspective!  And if nothing else, it will definitely give you all the incentive you need to heal up at twice the speed so you can get the hell outta that house again!

 

Heal up soon bro!

Got any extra advice for Shannon?  Pop it in the comments section below!

Ask Trev!

Ask Trev: I’m gay and I can’t find love – help!

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This is a stumper of a question but as you will see, I have come up with a brilliant, if somewhat unorthodox, solution.

Dear Trev, I am a gay male in my mid 30’s.  I’ve been trying for years but can’t find a relationship.  All the good guys my age are taken and all the younger ones only want sex.  What do I do?  I’m feeling lonely and desperate!

 

Well, I have the answer to your problem.  An answer so brilliant I expect I’ll get a float in my honor in Sydney’s next gay pride parade!  This is a solution that will work for most any member of the LGBT community (Well, maybe not the B’s) that finds themselves in the same boat.

 

If you are a gay guy looking for a relationship but genuinely can’t find one with another guy – marry a lesbian!

Come together

Now hang on, don’t tune out or start shouting angrily just yet!  This isn’t as preposterous as it sounds.  Let me explain.

 

I’m not talking about marrying some random lesbian off the street.  I’m talking about marrying one whom you feel a deep emotional connection with and finds themselves in a similar situation.  This is about finding a relationship somewhere else if you genuinely can’t find one in your own demographic, not finding a sexual partner.  And in the end, what is it people really want from a relationship anyway?  Someone to love and to reciprocate that love.  Someone to talk to at the end of a long day at work.  Someone they can cuddle with on the couch watching TV and put their arms around at night.  Someone to introduce to their family and maybe have children with.  Well this platonic arrangement can provide all that and some unexpected perks!

Emotional security

  • You can do all of the above with someone you are not sexually attracted to. You don’t need to share a sexual attraction to love someone and enjoy spending time with them.
  • Being with someone will assuage those feelings of loneliness and isolation. Nothing better than a good hug and chat with someone you love.

Shutting up the small-minded

Disclaimer: I don’t think any gay person should be anything other than proud, or ever feel they have to hide who they really are.  These are just options you could use, if you wished, to deal with a society that is still not as accepting as it should be.  Don’t want these options?  Feel free to bin them.

  • Despite the fact it’s the new millennium unfortunately homophobia, like racism, has refused to die the death it deserves. Do you have a boss you suspect is a closet homophobe and that is why you keep getting passed over for promotion?  Get nasty looks from your Christian neighbors?  Your Mum loves you but keeps asking if you are ‘going through a phase’?  Well this shuts them all the hell up!  Introduce them to your new wife and watch them back off!  It means living a bit of a lie but if it means not having to put up with fricken idiots on a daily basis who will never change their minds, you might consider it worth it.  If not, quite rightly tell them to go f*ck themselves!
  • Want to experience a wedding one day? No waiting around for another decade while the government stalls on a decision that the majority of the public thought was a no-brainer long ago.
  • Want children? Well gay couples can adopt but the system is still biased towards ‘heterosexual’ couples sadly.  This will push you way up the list and provide a child with a much needed home where the parents love each other and will in turn love them.

Sexual fulfillment

  • Want a child that is genetically your own? Both of you get really drunk and engage in a bit of cross-dressing cosplay coitus – it could work!  No going hunting for sperm or womb donors.
  • Sexual jealousy is off the table. You can f*ck whoever the hell you like!  Open marriages don’t usually work because of the jealously one feels when you think your partner finds another man/woman more attractive than you.  Well here you know it’s the case from the start so no problem!  Go get your jollies with as many sexual partners as you like then come home for a nice cup of tea and a cuddle with your spouse.  You will be the envy of all other couples everywhere!
  • It’s way easier to get someone to video tape you during sex. For heterosexual couples you can never find someone (so I hear) as you know whoever is using the camera is attracted to at least one of you.  Nothing ruins a shot like the cameraperson trying to do some ‘audience participation’ right at the climax of the scene.  Here you know your spouse has no interest in either you or the person you are having sex with, so will concentrate on getting the best camera angles possible and the lighting just right.

 

The list goes on and on but I reckon the above illustrates the point well enough.  If you are gay or lesbian and genuinely can’t find another person of your persuasion to have a meaningful relationship with, then this might just be the answer to all your problems.  Hell – it IS the answer to all your problems!  All of the love, none of the fidelity.  You lucky, lucky buggers!

I’ll see you all at the next gay pride parade where I expect I’ll get my trophy for Best.  Idea.  Ever!

Got something to say about the above?  Would love to read it in the comments section below!

Ask Trev!, Hobby Farming

Ask Trev – Chicken care questions

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One of the first questions I got for ‘Ask Trev’ was from Maddy who was asking if she should get chickens.  Well, happily she took my advice and now has a little brood of her own.  So now we have some follow up questions about their care which I will address today.

 

Dear Farmer Trev,

Ok, so I got chooks.
19 week old pullets. They are all New Hampshire cross breeds. One Australorp cross (proving to be the noisiest), a white leggorn X and a Rhode Island Red X. The tiniest (white leghorn cross) has already come on the lay but one of the others (or potentially her) is smashing up her eggs before I get to them. How do I stop this behaviour?

Small egg: From our Frizzle Chickens. Large egg: From our Muscovy Ducks.
Small egg: From our Frizzle Chickens.
Large egg: From our Muscovy Ducks.

Though it may not be, chances are she is smashing her own eggs.  The chooks are not after the egg within, but rather the shell itself as their system breaks down egg shells in order to make more egg shells and if their system is not getting enough of what will make the shells of their eggs strong enough, they will destroy their own.

I’d recommend getting a big bag of shell grit.  It’s this grey granules stuff that looks like coarse sand.  Contained within is everything that a chicken needs to make the shells of its eggs stronger (and as a result harder for them or their coop-mates to break) and should stop them feeling they have to break existing eggs to get those nutrients.  If your chooks were bigger or older I’d suggest laying pellets but shell grit for their current state will work best.  You can also throw old egg shells back into the chicken coop for them to peck at and break.

 

Also – hen pecking – tiny has already started hen pecking the red. How do I address hen pecking if it gets really bad? Or is this the natural order of hens and there’s nothing I can do?

It’s the natural order babe – it’s where the term ‘Pecking Order’ comes from.  There is nothing short of having them in completely separate coops that you can do.  Just let them figure it out for themselves and hopefully it should die down.  My chooks have stopped it now they have figured out their hierarchy, though my ducks still engage in it after being together for a year.

 

Finally – Is there anything they really, really should not be fed or any tips for super happy hens?
Thanks Big Farmer T.
-Mads.

Kitchen scraps, wheat and either shell grit or laying pellets should give them all the sustenance they need.  There is not much that can harm a chook as if it’s a food that’s not good for them they won’t eat it (case in point with potato peelings).  And of course don’t feed them any kind of bird meat, though once again they probably wouldn’t touch it anyway.  A small garlic clove dropped into their water once in a blue moon is good for keeping away mites.  Also get yourself a wormwood plant, grow it to a nice size in a pot and stick it in their coop.  They will peck at it now and then and it’s great for keeping away fleas and other insects that will bother your chickens without driving away the bugs they like to eat.

As for super happy hens, just plenty of food, water, shelter, protection from predators and as much space to scratch around as you can manage and they should be happy little hens indeed!