Living on a farmlet in the middle of nowhere, one relies heavily on the internet to keep tabs on what is happening in the outside world.  Only one problem with that, as you gaze into the outside world…

…it gazes right back.

Apparently I have become the focus of quite a few women in the area.  Quite a few, ahem, very forward women.  Women who seem to have some serious cravings that they think only I can take care of.

It seems every time I log onto a Transformers site, a movie reviews board or read some comics online these messages magically appear, like these ladies somehow knew I was going to be checking out the latest TF5 news and were lurking on the site waiting for me to put in a showing.

Now this is very flattering and all.  I just have one major issue.  Apparently all these women live within a few miles of me.  Now if I lived in somewhere like Melbourne this may be plausible, but let’s have a look at the view from my veranda:

I can see a few miles in every direction.  Where are all these women?  And something else is disturbing too:

Why do they all have the same name?  There can only be one answer.

Obviously there must be a subterranean bunker somewhere.  A giant underground facility that people retreated to during the cold war in case of nuclear attack.  Whilst down there these people have bred and produced nothing but girls and quickly exhausted their (seemingly very limited) imagination regarding names.  Now these women have grown and require male seed in order to produce the next generation of rural cave dwellers.

I must admit this all has me worried.  I’m afraid to go outside in case I get mobbed by a bunch of topless nympho’s (oh where was that problem for 17 year old Trev – he would have been more than happy to deal with it).  I’m worried everything I do online is being watched so these vixens can ferret out my weaknesses and eventually take possession of my sublime physique for their sordid needs.

I guess I should just click “no” every time one of these Jessica’s asks ‘Do I want to f*ck them’ but I’m always worried I’ll get back a hurt message saying ‘why not?’ and then end up having to console some naked woman online for the next half hour.

So to Rachel, Katy, Jen, Julia, Jessica, Jessica, Jessica, Jessica and of course Jessica – I say to you this:  I am flattered, truly I am.  But I am a happily married man with two children.  I have no need or desire for an underground harem or to create more offspring.  Might I suggest online dating sites?  Or maybe just get out in the fresh air more and perhaps migrate to an area that has a greater abundance of men for you.  I wish you all well…

… and please, let me look at my Transformer sites in peace!

 

Been stalked online by sex-crazed mole-women too?  Let us know in the comments section below!