Listen up you little blood-sucking bastards!

For my entire life you have harassed me without provocation.  As a teenager you bit me, after the bubbling hormones within my skinny, acne-laced frame.  In my 20’s you swarmed me, no doubt to get drunk considering my blood-alcohol content was always simmering at a .049  In self-defense I’ve swatted you, I’ve slapped you, I’ve squashed you and yet you’ve persisted.  But much like war in parts of the middle-east, where  blood feuds are passed down culturally from one generation to the next creating a never ending cycle of violence, in my 30’s you have set your descendants upon the path of carrying on your jihad against me.  But not only have you done the unconscionable of corrupting your own kids beliefs, you have now done the unforgivable, the unthinkable, the most evil thing I could think of…

You have declared war on my children!

You filthy, flying f*ckers!  My son is not yet 4 and my daughter is not even 2 and yet you descend upon them like little airborne needles and bite them relentlessly to suck their very life’s blood!  These innocent little cherubs, whose only sin is not letting their parents get enough sleep, are now the focus of your attacks! Your numbers have become such on our farm that we cannot step out our front door without layers of bug repellent on and if we forget my kids a covered in welts before we reach the edgeof the veranda.  You have taken our feud WAY too far!

So I am no longer content to simply be on the defensive, to squash you as you do kamikaze runs to pierce my epidermis.  To protect my family I will be taking our war to you!  I will be upending every source of water on the property so you have nowhere to breed – your young squirming as they expire upon the ground. I will be mowing all the long grasses in our paddocks, giant whirling blades of death destroying your safe houses.  I will never leave my home without swatters swinging from my belt, ready to slap you out of the air upon sight, the cheap neon plastic crushing your limbs and wings, caving in your skulls until your minuscule brains shoot our your long proboscis.  I will even resort to chemical warfare, patrolling my dwelling with giant spray cans full of airborne poisons, it entering your tiny lungs and choke the life from you until you drop out of the air, writhing in pain until death takes you.

This is WAR mutha f*ckers!  And you aint seen shit yet!  I will KILL each and every one of you on sight!  I will hunt you down – the men, the women, the larva!  I will POISON, I will CRUSH! YOUR LAMENTATION OF THE MOSSIE-HOLOCAUST WILL BE GREAT AND I WILL SEE YOUR ENTIRE RACE DESTROYED!  CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE BUG ZAPPERS OF WAR!

You should never have gone after my kids – you guys are f*cking dead!