I have become, like many of you, disillusioned with the state of politics in our country. The big parties seem to have more interest in blaming each other for the woes of our country than actually fixing said problems. The lower parties just want to make deals with the bigger parties so that they can have some sort of say, and half the Independents seem to run on the ‘I don’t like foreigners’ platform. The whole system is a disgrace, but can anyone at this point fix it?
Well yes – ME.
I am officially unofficially throwing my hat in the ring. Oh, I may not appear on any actual voting form on the day, but that’s because I refuse to play by a corrupt systems rules. I am here to serve you – the public. And I want you – the public – to do the biggest write-in campaign in history!
When you go to the ballot box in a month, tick no boxes – not a one! Instead I want each of you to scrawl “BIG ANGRY TREV 4 PM!” across the sheet and stick it in the box. After the 15 millionth form of that ilk has crossed the counters desk, whether it be an official form of entry or not, I will have won and the power of this great land will be back in the hands of where it belongs – Me.. er… I mean you – the people.
But what do I stand for? Well everything you stand for of course! But here is an outline of just some of the policies I will enact to make our country, and perhaps our planet, a better place:
*Heavy subsidies for the butchers industry. As a nation of predominantly meat eaters we are subjected to high prices and low quality from supermarkets from meat that has been long-term stored and transported. By encouraging our butchers industry we can make sure our meat is fresh, plentiful, high quality and the farmers get a good price for their livestock.
*Heavy subsidies for the body augmentation industry. People have a right to change their physical appearance as they see fit – your body, your choice! And no matter what you want done, whether it be some Double F-cup breast implants or to have your legs replaced with tank tracks, it will currently cost you a fortune to get done! Under my scheme, it will become relatively inexpensive to have one arm removed and replaced with a laser cannon – in fact it is a procedure I am seriously considering myself.
*Heavy subsidies for the catapult industry. When is the last time you saw a catapult? The industry is that over-regulated and materials that expensive that you never see a catapult anymore – it’s a damn shame! Catapults are great, for everything from national defense to the disposal of nuclear waste (if you build a catapult strong enough to reach orbit that is).
*Religious institutions to pay tax – God can afford it.
*Hobby farmers to pay no tax – I can’t afford it.
*Pokies venues to be taxed 150% of all their earnings.
*A ban on all reality television – especially any show where they spend 80% of the time showing peoples emotional reactions rather than them cooking or building or singing about a fish or whatever the hell they do.
*A clear distinction to be made between ‘Free Speech’ and ‘Hate Speech’. Sick of the latter trying to dress itself up as the former.
*High speed internet access for rural areas – mine sucks!
*Gigantic solar farms in the middle of our myriad of deserts – we get baked alive in Australia – we might as well get free electricity as a by-product of it.
*All teachers and teacher’s aides to receive a ‘Spent the year dealing with your damn kids’ bonus of $10,000 each Christmas so they can enjoy the summer before their lives become a big ball of stress again at the start of Feb.
*The Australian Navy will have their duties changed – half of our warships will protect the whales, while the other half will wipe out the octopus (dirty evil bastards they are!).
*Heavier jail times for people convicted of crimes against other people such as physical assault, sexual assault, robbery and burglary. Aren’t you a bit sick of picking up the paper every day and reading an article where someone who just committed one of these crimes was already on a suspended sentence or parole for a similar crime? Lock the fraggers up – let there be actual consequences for their actions!
*A limit to how much welfare one family can get. If you have been unemployed for years, your partner has been unemployed for years and you already have 3 kids, why should the people that actually work for a living have to shell out even more welfare money because you are bored and decided to have a fourth? You want a ton of kids? Fine – go get a job so you can support them and stop making the rest of us foot the bill for your rutting! Oh, and if you are one of those ‘serial impregnator’ guys that has a half dozen kids to a half dozen women and doesn’t work because you know all your wages will be garnished for child support, you will have your testicles surgically removed and put to work in the mines to earn money for your illegitimate brood.
*No GST on imported goods! This is a SHAMEFUL policy that both sides of parliament were behind enacting and I intend to repeal! They say it’s so that you will buy locally instead of buying your goods from overseas via the internet, but what if…
-A: You live in a rural area where you cannot purchase the items you require at your local store? Most Aussie companies charge ruinous postal fees to send you an item, you often pay more in postage to get something from Melbourne than from the other side of the globe! Last I checked, my little bush town doesn’t have any of the big chains I can go to and get anything I require.
-B: They don’t make and/or sell the item you want in Australia at all? For those with their eye on the upcoming MP Black Arachnia figure, I don’t think you’ll be buying one at your local K-Mart. There are many products that are sold nowhere in this wide brown land of ours, its not a matter of not wanting to shop locally – we can’t!
*I will make Babymetal tour Australia on a yearly basis
*I will make Hasbro and Takara release ALL Transformer related products in Australia.
*All vegetarian restaurants will be required to provide a meat option on their menu. There will be an outright ban on pumpkins on Australian soil.
*Statues of me shall be erected in the town square of every town in our land in order to raise the morale of the populace in general.
*Citizenship status will be greatly overhauled and along with it immigration and asylum seeker polices. Essentially if you will bow before the will of Trev, you can come in and you can stay. If you are already here, even for generations, and you refuse to bow, you can get the hell out! That goes for every man, woman and child on the continent – no exceptions!
*Parliament house will have a swimming pool full of beer guarded by nubile wenches with rocket launchers! The deck chairs made out of solid gold and have built-in steak dispensers with a gravy option!
These are just some of the policies I will enact upon seizing power and stamping my jackboot of authority upon this land, which may end up getting renamed New Trevonia (working title). I look forward to your support. Let the tide of support wash away the unbelievers in a sea of blood as I march across this land as Prime Minister Trev the 1st, King of Kings and Emperor for life (working title). Let all bow before his magnificence and pay homage to his name! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DISPAIR – BWAH HAHAHAHAHA!
Ahem… um… I mean, vote for me.
For many years you, the general public, the grease that keeps the wheels of our great society turning, have said “Trev, your wisdom, knowledge and musky aroma have been an inspiration to all that know you. Yet we can’t have access to you 24/7 – can’t you please fix this for us?!”