This question comes from Michael in Melbourne:
How do you avoid spoilers for major movies/comics/stories etc in the age of the internet? What is an appropriate time delay before spoilers are OK in a public forum? What should be done (if anything) to those who spoil things for others?
Ah spoilers, people do tend to forget that the major word within that is ‘spoil’ don’t they eh! That by giving away the plot and/or ending they are spoiling that potential experience for someone else.
So how to avoid spoilers in the age of the internet?
The problem with major movies is that half the time the trailer IS the spoiler – they are that desperate to get you to see their flick instead of the other thousand other competing movies that come out that month, that they put in clips of all the best parts, which usually includes images of the climax of the movie! It’s a pain in the arse is what it is! So what hope have you of avoiding spoilers when even the trailers can spoil movies for you? And comics and stories aren’t much better.
So to avoid spoilers from the internet, I suggest the following:
*Step 1: Announce to the world via social media that you will be logging off for the foreseeable future and that A: you are not dead, just uncontactable, and B: You will hurt anyone that tries to break your embargo.
*Step 2: Unplug your computer
*Step 3: Smash your smart phone
*Step 4: Fake an illness and get a month’s leave from work
*Step 5: Erect a barricade made out of old furniture and razor wire on your front lawn, leaving a small hidden Hogan’s Heroes-esque tunnel so that your kids can still go to school and your wife can still bring home food.
*Step 6: Go into the basement
*Step 7: Apply a blindfold and earplugs
*Step 8: Get your wife to feed you and empty your potty until the day of the movie/comic/story release, then get her to lead you, still in a state of sensory deprivation, to the cinema/comic/bookstore.
*Step 9: Wait until you are seated with the book in your hand or the movie is starting (NOT while the trailers for other flicks are still running) then with a prearranged signal from your spouse, remove earplugs and blindfold and enjoy your spoiler-free experience.
And the beauty is, you will probably smell so much by then that most people will want to stay the hell away, which lessens the risk of spoilers in the future.
What is an appropriate time delay before spoilers are OK in a public forum?
Six months. That’s the golden rule – six months. Unless it’s me and it’s a movie and then it’s a solid two years because that’s how long it takes me to get around to watching a flick (unless it’s Deadpool or Transformers in which case I’m there front row centre!).
What should be done (if anything) to those who spoil things for others?
They should be turned from their homes. They should be stripped naked and paraded through the streets where they can be jeered and pelted with rotted fruit by the populace at large. They should be marched up the steps of the nearest town hall where, via the medium of a car battery and a wet towel, their genitalia is repeatedly fried again and again so that they can not produce another generation that cant keep their damn traps shut!
I wish you luck Michael, in this day and age avoiding spoilers is almost an impossible feat, but with the love (and potty emptying skills) of a good woman I’m sure you will manage it somehow.
Got any other advice for Michael? Add it in the comments section below!
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