Live Show Review: An Evening With Henry Rollins

September 28, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

The Show: An Evening With Henry Rollins

The Performer: Henry Rollins (funny that)

The Venue: Arts Centre, Melbourne

Date: September 19, 2016

Last week I once again had the privilege of watching the aging alternative icon live. This is the third time in the last 10 years I have been able to see Henry Rollins do his spoken word show in person. In fact if you ever get the chance to watch the ‘Henry Rollins Provoked: Live from Melbourne’ DVD you can listen to me during the credits raving about how the show was 3 ½ hours long and I wish it had been even longer! Or else that snippet of my fanboy gushing is on youtube at the 4.45 mark HERE.

The performance this year was at the State Theater in Melbourne, a huge room that fits just over 2000 and indeed it was completely packed out. It was interesting to see the rest of the crowd, I think the majority were in their thirties and forties with a smattering of fans in their twenties and a healthy dose of the 50+ range.

Rollins was his usual self. For an 8pm start he hit the stage at 8.05 (and I think the only reason he waited 5 minutes was for the latecomers to be seated) and as soon as he picked up the mike the mouth started going and didn’t stop for 2 ½ hours (good value for a 2 hour show eh!) with big dollops of sweat dropping from his left elbow illuminated in the spotlights. As usual he started off talking about some of the local issues, in particular how despite his extensive vocabulary he had to look up the word ‘plebiscite’ and then proceeded give voice to what many Aussies at this time are thinking “Really? Spending 160 MILLION DOLLARS on a question that in this century should be a complete no-brainer?”

I’ve noticed over the years that Rollins talks less and less about his showbiz days and more and more about his travels to different countries and this show was no different. In fact the two showbiz stories he did tell I had heard before (about being on a plane with Motorhead and when he had lunch with David Bowie) but it was nice to hear them again and let’s face it, it’s hard to do new material for fans that obsessively watch every second of stage time you perform whenever another fans loads it on youtube.

I was a bit afraid that this show may go the way of the second live show I had seen him perform, which had been great as always but had almost verged on being a bit too preachy in telling people how they should travel more (I’d love to Mr. Rollins, truly I would. However I have a wife, kids and a mortgage that sadly I have to support with a day job which precludes me from taking off to Nepal on a whim). But no, while there were lots of travel stories they were funny, entertaining and I can’t get the image out of my head of Rollins listening to Iggy Pop while half buried in snow at the South Pole, fecal-covered penguins rutting like mad not 5 feet away.

The rest of the show was talking about how various old ideas society holds need to either reworked or thrown out which lead into discussions about his family (I had heard a lot about his family on different spoken word CD’s but even I learned some things about the man’s life I didn’t know before) and various other topics. He often talked about the hate emails he gets for not hating particular groups like LGBIT’s and various ethnic groups and being told to get out of the county, sadly a trend that seems to be cropping up on our once ‘most friendly nation on earth’ continent as well. One thing both I and my mate Matt who came with me noted was that Rollins did not swear once. I mean – not one time! Now he has never been particularly prolific with his penchant for profanity but neither have I heard him shy away from using f*ck, sh*t, a**hole and the like when emphasizing a point or when a sentence could benefit from it. But not one swear here, in fact when giving examples of what people say about his President he would utter sentences like “Oh the President is a BEEP BEEP BEEP”. Yes, he actually said BEEP. I don’t know whether the lack of his usual mild obscenities was due to being in such a classy place like the State Theatre or whether this is par for the course for him now that he has reached the respectable age of 55. Could it perhaps be a result of his vegetarianism? His first spoken word CD I ever listened to a looong time ago to had plenty of curse words whilst talking about eating in Russia and mocking the vegetarians for the crappy food they were about to receive (“C’mon Veggie boy – eat your shit, you non-warrior pussy!”) and how he was looking forward to his big hunk of meat. Now he eats no meat at all and uses BEEP in a sentence. There may be no correlation there but I do wonder. Meat and swearing and now neither swearing nor meat…. hmmm… this requires study. I best start rounding up a large enough pool of test subjects to examine this hypothesis.

Anyway, once again Henry Rollins provided a great show. As said, he went a good half hour over time which means you were getting even better value for money. He was intelligent, insightful, witty, funny and was able to entertain the crowd discussing a diverse range of subject matter. So if An Evening with Henry Rollins sounds good to you (and I know a few female friends who certainly wouldn’t mind) try to catch a show before he heads back overseas – if you miss him this time then I encourage you to catch him on his next Aussie tour.

Transformer Toy Reviews

Toy Review – Unite Warriors Computron VS Combiner Wars Computron

September 26, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

As the last of the vehicle-themed Gestalt Groups based on the American G1 cartoon and toyline, many people have been hanging out to get their greedy little cyber-mitts on the Technobots. However unlike most of the other Gestalt Groups, there are a lot of distinct differences between the Unite Warriors and the Combiner Wars versions of the teams. Plus they have been released within a month of each other, rather than six months apart like most of the other toys. So here we go, in what is probably my biggest and most detailed Transformers review to date, a comparison of the two gift sets: Unite Warriors Computron VS Combiner Wars Computron!

CW Lightsteed VS UW Lightspeed– Robot Mode

The CW version (Lightsteed) is a direct palette-swap of the CW Protectobot Streetwise and it shows. Luckily Streetwise was a pretty cool looking robot and Lightsteed also comes with Streetwise’s shotgun. The UW version (Lightspeed) is a retool of CW Wheeljack with two new guns. With the new head, red thighs and windshield on the chest Lightspeed is the more character faithful and cooler looking of the two

UW Lightspeed VS CW Lightsteed – Vehicle Mode

The original Lightspeed had a dome-like windshield that wrapped all the way around to make him look more like a Cybertronian Speeder rather than a Terran Automobile. Lightsteed’s vehicle mode (again, a direct palette-swap of Streetwise) manages this well and in colour hue is more faithful to the original toy. Lightspeed however has a more comic faithful colour scheme as well as the spoiler and side guns like the original toy, whereas Lightsteeds shotgun goes on the roof and he is still sporting the police lights rack which does not suit him.

Winner: UW Lightspeed

CW Afterbreaker VS UW Afterburner – Robot Mode

These figures are essentially palette-swaps of each other. You can differentiate between the two somewhat by varying the way the windshield and front wheel are positioned on his back. Afterbreakers colour hues are more G1-toy accurate whereas Afterburners are more G1-cartoon accurate. Neither’s guns are really G1-faithful but Afterburners look cooler rather than just being copies of UW Groove’s.

UW Afterburner VS CW Afterbreaker – Vehicle Mode

Again, a direct palette sway of each other and again Afterbreaker is more toy accurate whereas Afterburner is mode cartoon accurate. The windshield has been lowered from the Groove mold to make it more cockpit like reminiscent of the original character though neither has a G1 accurate cockpit colour (Afterbreaker’s is green and Afterburner’s is blue). Once again, Afterburners guns look a bit cooler at the sides than Afterbreaker’s.

Winner: UW Afterburner (by an Energon sliver)

CW Strafe VS UW Strafe – Robot Mode

Like many of the other Technobots, Strafe’s colour schemes tend towards the toy on the CW side and the cartoon on the UW side. This is most evident in their visors. However the UW version has the small shoulder wings and more importantly can take off his vehicle mode’s guns and use them as pistols. And let’s face it, the UW version seems to be just that bit more striking.

CW Strafe VS UW Strafe – Vehicle Mode

These are both really cool! Both have been heavily retooled from different UW molds and as a result have completely different looks! CW Strafe is boxy, has a black cockpit and looks like it could be out of a Halo game or Starship Troopers movie. UW Strafe has an extra gun at the top and a curved prow giving him a sleek alien-drone look. Neither fully replicate the original G1-toys look but that’s ok because they both look great! Both do however have the twin tailfins and the twin laser guns at the front. I love both of these and would be hard pressed to pick a winner between the two.

Winner: UW Strafe (because of the robot mode)

UW Nosecone VS CW Nosecone – Robot Mode

Never is the difference in direction taken to homage the cartoon VS the toy in the new Technobots more evident than in Nosecone. CW Noscone has the tank tracks on the shoulders like G1 (both the original toy AND cartoon) and his colour scheme is very much the original G1 toy, using light orange, dull grey and a red face. UW Nosecone has more browns in it, is white in the chest like the cartoon and sports new features like having the guns in the shoulders. Both can use their drill pieces as a hand weapon, CW’s drill looking more realistic as a hand weapon due to being less bulky.

CW Nosecone VS UW Nosecone – Vehicle Mode

Like Strafe, Nosecone has been retooled from two distinct CW molds. UW Nosecone is a heavy retool of CW Protectobot Rook while CW Nosecone is a slight retool of CW Combaticon Brawl. If the UW version had not come along people probably would have been happy enough with the CW version. But as it stands the UW version is heads and giant-drill-bits above the competition! Instead of looking like a regular tank with a drill instead of a cannon, UW Nosecone really does justice to the original character and with the new shape, the guns on top and aforementioned giant drill bit he looks fantastic! Probably the best looking Drill Tank transformer we have had to date!

Winner: UW Nosecone (because of the brilliant vehicle mode)

CW Scattershot VS UW Scattershot – Robot Mode

To save confusion, in this review I am referring the to the CW Scattershot that came as part of the Computron gift set, not the individually packaged bot that came out a year earlier though I will be making reference to it. CW Scattershot has a long rifle like the original figure (even if it is Silverbolt’s) and blue detailing on bits of his body like the stickers on the G1 toy. UW Scattershot has a lot more browns in him like the original toy but comes with two big blasters. Both have a blue visor and white face like the cartoon whereas the independent Scattershot had a completely blue face like the toy.

CW Scattershot VS UW Scattershot – Vehicle Mode

Perhaps the one example where the UW versions colour scheme is more G1-toy accurate than the CW version. CW Scattershot has red along the ships nose/cannon whereas the UW version is completely white. I don’t mind this too much as it differentiates the two CW versions and it looks pretty cool. With the new guns whilst the CW versions one goes under the existing cannon to make it ludicrously long, the UW’s versions go under the wings which I think works quite well. None of these versions are as cool as the original toy in my opinion and of course they all lack the third Cannon Emplacement mode.

Winner: Pretty close but I have to give it to UW Scattershot because of the differences he brings to Computron which I will go into soon.

CW Scrounge with CW Targetmaster Partner Cybaxx

There is no comparison to write here as these two only come with the Combiner Wars version of the Computron gift set. Scrounge is a retool of Generations Cosmos with a comic-accurate head and Cybaxx is a direct recolour of Generations Payload. Both are cool enough toys but G1 enthusiasts have been thrilled to get after so many years a toy of Scrounge who has been a very obscure comic character, known mainly for his long arm and traumatizing Blaster by dying.

CW Computron VS UW Computron

I don’t think any of the other gestalts from the two lines have differed so much. Mainly they have been copies of each other with slightly different colour schemes and maybe one of the characters has a different mold (Blast off and Groove) or an extra character (Blackjack and Powerglide). Here we see a UW Computron with a new chestplate, fairly uniform colour scheme and new head as well as a downward facing drill on his left knee. CW Computron has the much improved hands and feet which first arose with the Victorion gift set and can attach Scrounge and Cybaxx on his left shoulder. Both versions have advantages that the other does not have and, on top of the differences already mentioned, due to being able to position Afterburner/breakers motorcycle front differently as well as the differences between Strafe and Nosecone they look like different parallel-universe versions of each other rather than a simple palette swap. This is enhanced by the fact that UW Scattershot brings into the mix a new chestplate and head whereas CW Scattershot makes Computron look a bit too much like Superion when displayed together.

Winner: UW Computron (due in large part to the new head and chest)

So overall, which should you get?

Well, overall, especially when it comes to the limb characters, Unite Warriors is a definite winner and if you were to only buy one this is the one I would choose. However the Combiner Wars version of this group is pretty good too and has extras like a poster, trading card and two extra characters. Personally I will be mix & matching. I will be using Scattershot from UW with the limb characters and hands & feet from the CW version to make Computron whilst I will be using all the others to represent the individual bots. But a great effort by both Hasbro and Tak/Tom and whichever way you go you will not be disappointed by your purchase.

Meaty Goodness!, Tales of the Trev

Big Angry Trev VS the 1.5kg Pork Schnitzel!

September 24, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

I’ve had a love of German food since I first visited the country many years ago. While the French might win on exquisite taste, the Germans win on cooking up succulent huge pieces of quadruped, wrapping it in cabbage or breadcrumbs and washing it down with a enough beer to sink a footy team. I had some brilliant feeds in Germany, so when I heard there was a food challenge to be had at the Hofbrauhaus German restaurant in Melbourne I simply couldn’t resist.

The challenge: To eat a 1.5kg pork schnitzel, a bowl of chips and a liter of German Bier in 45 minutes. If you do it, your meal is free and you get a t-shirt. If not, it costs you 75 big ones!

Now I was pretty confident going into this challenge. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve eaten that much pork in one sitting. When in Germany my girlfriend and I visited an old monastery where the only food you could order was Pork Knuckle with Sauerkraut and you ordered it by weight. I ordered a 1.5kg portion with a stein of Bock beer to go with it. We sat down with a bunch of Bavarian’s who told me in no uncertain terms that I should not have ordered the Bock beir, as with it being so heavy there would be no way I could finish that much meat.

Half an hour later they gave me a round of applause for out-eating them in their own country!

So yeah, I was pretty confident going into this. No-one that I had talked to doubted my ability to meet this challenge, though some thought the bowl of chips might trip me up. So on a Monday night myself and my good friend Matt went to Hofbrauhaus to show them how it’s done.

We were seated by our waitress who may have had the Bavarian Beer Maid costume with the requisite, and possibly mandatory, pushed-up cleavage but came across as a young, timid Aussie lass who probably has had one too many customers try to pinch her butt in her short career. The manager, again, not German, definitely Indian and still had a decent accent going, came and explained the challenge to me. He also had us move tables as the one we had been seated at was not big enough to accommodate my coming plate, which we thought was pretty cool.

Soon after, the manager comes back out ringing a big cow bell, followed by a man carrying my huge plate! My mouth watered at the sight of so much meat! He set the timer, told me I had 45 minutes and wished me luck.

I never saw him again.

With only 45 minutes to eat a kilo and a half of pork, a ton of chips and a litre of bier, I hoed straight in. First pitfall – this meal was at about a thousand degrees! I didn’t have time to wait for it to cool so I cut half of it into large mouthful sized pieces so it could cool somewhat and started shoveling the overly hot meat into my mouth. I could feel it burning the roof of my mouth when the rough schnitzel coating was scraping against it but I persevered.

meattt

About 400gm and 10 minutes in into the 1.5kg the food had cooled enough that I could now actually taste it and here is where the trouble began. This was a BAD schnitzel. I mean, it tasted TERRIBLE! The hard coating of it genuinely tasted like bad KFC (is there truly any other kind?) and upon examination it was not grade-A pork within but rather this really fatty, low quality meat. Matt hypothesized that maybe you can’t get a piece of pork that big without it being fatty but I’m assured by my friend Margie – who like me grew up on a farm – that you can have non fat-ridden pieces of pig meat that large.

Now up until now I had NEVER had bad German food. All the food in Germany itself was brilliant and the few times I’ve visited German restaurants in Australia the food has been pretty good. I also don’t think I’ve ever had a particularly bad schnitzel either. So for this giant one to taste as bad as it did was a massive surprise and the one eventuality I did not prepare for. Since the waitress was Aussie and the manager Indian, I’m guessing there were no Germans in the actual kitchen because I guarantee that no German chef worth his salt would have served up this monstrosity.

I continued to eat but with every mouthful I felt queasy. At about 600gm and 25 minutes in I realize that if I manage to eat the whole thing I am going to be seriously ill. Matt and I had tickets to see Henry Rollins at the Arts Centre for about 90 minutes hence and all I could imagine was me missing half the show because I’m in the toilet vomiting. That’s when, to my shame, I realize I am not going to meet this challenge. None of the staff have come back to check on my progress, which I found a bit suss considering the big deal they made of it. Since I am not going to eat it I offer Matt a bite to gauge his opinion on the quality of the food. Matt takes one bite of the Schnitzel meat, screws up his face and says “No, that is seriously disgusting. Don’t eat it man, you’ll be sick”.

And that’s it. That was the end of the challenge – I didn’t even finish half! Once again, even when the 45 minutes expired (we had timers on our phones) no staff had come back to check progress which leads me to believe that between the heat of the food and the low quality they really didn’t expect me to finish it. If I’d had a bag with me I could have just tipped the boards contents into it and claimed I’d eaten it all – would have saved me $75.

Afterwards I was shaming myself for not having eaten it all, and seriously examining my own perceived self-image and who I was as a person if I could not eat a 1.5kg pork schnitzel. But then I realized, it’s like someone saying “Here, have sex with this person whom you find to have an offensive, horrible personality and a body to match” and you can’t get an erection. It’s not that you are suddenly impotent – you just can’t bring yourself to have sex with that train wreck. And that is what this food challenge was. It wasn’t that I couldn’t eat a kilo and a half of pork, it’s that I couldn’t bring myself to eat a kilo and a half of that foul shit. I did drink all the beer though.

Pretty poor fare from Hofbrauhaus. I’d been there once before about 8 years ago and while the food was not fantastic it hadn’t been bad either. Oh there could be excuses for why this schnitzel was so bad. Maybe their usual supplier of top quality huge pork pieces had nothing this week so they were forced to go with a dodgy guy. Maybe they treat their chefs like Men’s Clubs treat their strippers – they use their top quality ones on Friday and Saturday nights when business is busy and then use their rough ones (the chefs that couldn’t make toast and the strippers with acne and cesarean scars) on slow nights like a Monday. But I don’t think there is any excuse for a German-styled Pork Schnitzel to taste like bloody Kentucky Fried Chicken, especially when you are paying $75 damn dollars for the meal!

So overall quite a disappointing experience. But just in case I am giving myself an excuse I don’t deserve, I think I’m going to cook up a kilo and a half of good pork soon and chow down, just to prove to myself I still have what it takes. Will keep you crazy kids updated and post proof that my gastronomic prowess is still alive and kicking!

Random Reviews

Movie Review: Sausage Party

September 16, 2016 Big Angry Trev 1 Comment

Some movies make you laugh. Some movies move you to tears. Some movies dazzle you with fast paced action and brilliant special effects.

And sometimes you come across that movie that makes you walk out of the cinema with your brain slowly dribbling out of your ear saying “What the bloody hell did I just watch?!?”

If you like that kind of movie, then you will love Sausage Party.

*Looks a hell of a lot more innocent than it is!*

This movie is not for everyone. In fact I will say it is probably not for most people. Old people? Nope. Sensitive people? Nope. Normal people? Nope. Underage people? Oh dear god no – you’ll traumatize them for life!

This movie is really designed around the concept of “The kind of messed-up jokes you make to your mates when no one else is around”. You know, all the really wrong stuff that would make someone avoid you for life or get you arrested but you could say to a close mate so you could both laugh at how wrong simply saying such a thing is in the first place. This movie is full of racist stereotypes (jars of sauerkraut going to ‘kill the juice’, falafel that thinks it is going to get 72 virgin olive oils etc), foul language (the c-bomb gets dropped 5 minutes in), drug use (everything from a twinkie getting stonned to a guy shooting up bath crystals on his couch) and just really, really wrong stuff (a used condom talking with fresh semen dripping from its mouth, corn kernels on a human shit moaning like ghosts). The protagonist is a hot dog that has come to question the after-store myths that everyone is lead to believe and the nemesis of the movie is a douche that sticks itself up a clerks arse then uses the clerks scrotum to steer his actions. That’s about it for plot. This is definitely a movie where the writing staff, baked out of their brains no doubt, decided when pitching ideas “Oh yeah, that is soooo f*cked up! Let’s put it in!”

That’s not to say it is a bad movie. I enjoyed it well enough and it appealed to the part of me that used to watch the likes of South Park religiously. I can’t say I ever actually laughed out loud, more had lots of ‘Holy shit!’ moments when something even more disturbing than what happened before came along. And the end scene with every bit of food, no matter its gender or use-by-date, just f*cking the living shit out of every other bit of food was so madly messed up I just sat there with my hands over my mouth going ‘Oh Jesus Christ!’.

I really don’t know whether to recommend this movie or not. But if you want to challenge your own moral code to see just what you can withstand, then it’s a way to kill a couple of hours.

Hobby Farming

How to build a Scarecrow that actually scares crows!

September 5, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

Ah the classic Scarecrow, truly a mainstay of peoples vegetable patches over the years. Scarer of birds and amuser of children. In the Wizard of Oz it was someone desperately in need of a Higher Education degree, in Worzel Gummidge’s case it was an inanimate pile of straw turned sentient being who was constantly trying to get his end away with a store manikin. The Scarecrow is a bit of fun that adds some colour to your vege patch but as most folks know it is generally highly ineffective at actually scaring birds. However today I am going to teach you Big Angry Trev’s secret to building a Scarecrow that actually works! And the good news is, it’s actually easier to make than the classic one!

I'm the slightly skinnier one — *I’m the slightly skinnier one*

You will need the following materials:

One 1.8m x 15cm x 3cm board

One 1.5m x 15cm x 3cm board

One 40cm x 5cm x 3cm board

One 2 meter metal stake

4 wood screws

One potplant pot, bright for preference

One pile of plastic wrapping

One pair of pants with elastic waistband, synthetic and red for preference

One adult males top, synthetic and red for preference

One pair of gloves

One cap, red for preference

Bailing twine

Tools

One drill

One permanent marker

One sledgehammer

Now a lot of these material choices may seem weird to your classic Scarecrow constructor, but I will explain my reasoning for these choices at the end.

Step One:

Pop the 1.5m board through the tops sleeves. So that it sticks out either end evenly. Put the 1.8m board through the top so that at least 40cm of it pokes out the neck hole. Screw the two pieces together.

Step Two:

Put the gloves on, going over the cuffs of the sleeves and ends of the wood. Tie in place with bailing twine.

Step Three:

Strech the pants over the piece of wood, the wood should be long enough that when you stretch the elastic waist band over it that the band snaps back over it and holds it in place. Screw the short piece of word about 2 inches above where the clothing top ends, through the pants at the back which will help hold them up.

Step Four:

Take your pot and draw a face on it (you can go for scary but this really won’t make much difference to the birds and may scare your kids so I go for friendly). Pop a hat on the top. Stick on the top of your Scarecrow and take a bunch of plastic wrapping or old plastic bags and stuff inside to help secure in place.

*To size your pot, simply use the bonce of any passing child as a measuring guide*

The term 'Villawood' should scare away both birds and anyone with a sense of morals — *The term ‘Villawood’ should scare away both birds and anyone with a sense of morals*

Step Five:

Hammer your metal stake in. Tie your scarecrow in at least two different points to the stake using bailing twine.

Ta-da! You have yourself a Scarecrow!

Nothing scares birds more than a fat guy wearing fashions from 2002

Why Big Angry Trev’s Scarecrow is more effective than the classic design

*The Clothing is Polyester instead of Cotton: It will hold moisture less and be more resistant to the elements, therefore less inclined to rot or weigh down you Scarecrow so it falls over due to water logging.

*The head is Plastic: No rot at all compared to a stocking filled with straw

*No Straw – Point 1: Everyone insists that you stuff the body and limbs with straw in order to fatten your scarecrow. No matter what people say, straw will eventually rot. This will cause your scarecrow to literally come apart at the seams quicker.

No Straw – Point 2: By not stuffing your Scarecrow with straw, it means that the clothing will flutter in the wind. This means movement and movement is far more likely to disturb encroaching birds than a completely stationary effigy.

Bright Colours: Some people actually say birds are colour blind. Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact humans are practically colour blind compared to birds, in the same way our sense of smell cannot compare to that of a dogs. Birds have evolved to recognize that the red of certain flowers and fruit is OK, but for the most part they stay away from red because in nature red more often than not means DANGER! Your traditional Scarecrow is made up of browns and yellows natural and non-threatening colours. By making it have a lot of red, it will have a much greater likelyhood of scaring off these feathered fiends from your hand-grown, home grown veggies.

Boards instead of Broomsticks: Who the frag keeps breaking off the ends of their broomsticks so that they have spares just lying around? Who sweeps that hard? By using boards and wood screws rather than broomsticks and twine your Scarecrow will have far better structural integrity.

So will this Scarecrow actually keep birds off your veggies and away from your fruit tree’s? Debatable. I know my chooks give it a wide berth but then they aren’t terrified of it either. If birds are a massive problem then netting or, going to the extreme, a timed scare gun will be more effective. But those options are either loud or expensive or both. Scarecrow’s add a bit of kitchy charm to your veggie patch and they are great fun to build with your kids so considering the relative inexpensiveness and simplicity of their construction they can be forgiven for not inciting mass terror amongst birds. However this Scarecrow has a better fighting chance than most, and I’ve not seen a crow after my silverbeet after popping my rotund fellow up.

Have fun with your Scarecrow Construction!

Random Rants

The joy and dignity of Being Bearded!

September 3, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

Well here we are again, the first Saturday of September. In Australia the first Sunday in September signals Fathers Day, a great day for men who are Dads. But if prodigy you have not, then there is also just as manly a day that comes before – WORLD BEARD DAY! A day where around the world men who have adorned their faces with the bristles of power and the whiskers of righteousness can come together and let their spirits soar!

There is a certain kinship between those of the bearded persuasion. No, I’m not talking about those who grow them because their religion demands it, or because the other members of their particular Bikie club bully them to. I’m talking about your average Joe that truly chooses to – your man on the proverbial street who decides that the smooth of chin is not the way of life for them. The man who decides that for both fashion and practicality he needs A BIG, BUSHY BEARD!

*Can you possibly imagine any form of reality where you would NOT find this sexy?*

When you are of the heavily whiskered variety and you see another of your ilk, a nod of acknowledgement as you go by is all you need. It speaks volumes – it says “I understand you and I approve of your lifestyle choice”. One can even go further with adding a very slight widening of the eyes and an infinitesimal raise of the eyebrow – this says “That beard is damn impressive man”. These are saved for those whose beard is so thick it requires a bi-weekly visit from Jims Gardening to keep it under control, not that any bearded man worth his salty whiskers would dream of getting another man in to do manual labor for him.

And that is another thing the beard tells the world. It says “I have testicles and they are sizable! I can change a tyre, I can cook a steak. I can make sweet love to a woman with such expertise she won’t even notice I’m still belching from the 6-pack & pizza I consumed before climbing aboard!”. You can trust the bearded to dig a trench, build a cabin, stick your dragon in a dungeon; the bearded man is your friend.

I feel great empathy for those who cannot grow a beard. I honestly believe it is the source of most teen violence, for these poor lads have nary a whisker and it causes them such pain they feel the need to break windows and rob old ladies of their pension money. I think it is also why so many women experience mood swings when menstruating – “I can’t grow a beard AND I’m bleeding from my genitalia?! What kind of sick god would do this?!” – I’d be pretty mad at the world too.

If you are a man who is capable of growing a beard and chosen not to, I would heavily rethink your decision. The beard is invaluable; it keeps your face warm in winter, it catches crumbs of food to keep you sated when hungry – why do you think the cavemen all had beards, because the triple blade hadn’t been invented yet? No – their beards kept them warm and fed and thus alive. Like having a mother made of follicles stuck to your face. Indeed without beards the human race would not been able to survive and thus evolve and we all wouldn’t be here today.

So on World Beard Day celebrate your beard! And if you are of the non-bearded variety go up to a bearded man and give him a couple of bucks and a corn-beef sandwich and say “Thank you. Thank you oh bearded one for keeping society alive!” He will modestly accept your acclaim, you money… then eat your sandwich.

Happy World Beard Day my hirsute brethren!

The Official World Beard Day website can be found HERE

For a Great Aussie Band try THE BEARDS.

Big Angry Trev!

Monthly Archives: September 2016